This is the second time this has happened....in a row.
I can't sleep.
I've been tossing and turning for the past 2 nights, and I don't know why.
It might be that I'm anxious to move out of my apartment and into my new one.
Maybe it's money issues....
Maybe it's because my sleep schedule is out of wack....I don't know.
I feel really restless, and it's almost like a chore to go to sleep.
I'm not really sure as to what I should do or be doing to make myself feel tired, but something needs to happen, fast.
I miss sleeping..it's like those commercials with the beaver and Abraham Lincoln. I miss my dreams.
I started thinking about graduation tonight while I was lying in bed.
I thought about my great-grandpa and how he was there watching me graduate and then I started thinking about his old house with the huge living room that seemed to stretch for miles. My room with the giant entertainment unit that had all my toys, movies and t.v....my bed that I never slept in because I loved to sleep with my great-grandpa and grandma.
I thought about the bar that connected to the living room and how mysterious it always was. It felt like you were in another time sitting or standing by the bar. It was really interesting.
The living room was one of my favorites. It had the carpet that bit at my toes and sent shivers down my spine because it never fully connected to the edges of the walls and doors. The big lounge chair that I always sat in with my grandpa and how I would sit there and drink coke out of a tall shot glass and pretend that I was a high-class woman....while I watched Thomas the Tank Engine and ate Kit Kats.
My favorite was my grandpa's room. His bed was so big and I would always get told the next morning at breakfast that I was kicking both of my grandparents throughout the night...even though I always slept great. I remembered getting my lunch in the kitchen and going out through the kitchen door to the driveway where it was covered in gravel.
I miss that house so much....it makes me sad to think that I haven't seen it in so long. I miss my great-grandpa so much it hurts to think about it. I don't know if it's because I'm feeling odd as of lately but, it does.
I feel like I'm in a really weird place right now...it's almost like I'm fed up with how things are going.
I'm hating my job, broke and not really sure what to do with myself.
I'm hoping that things will get better once I'm all moved. I have so many ideas that I think they're the real reason why I'm not getting any sleep. I have so many things I want to do with my new apartment and I feel like I have so little time.
My mom doesn't know I'm selling my living room set, and I'm not really sure as to how I'm going to tell her, if I even do that is. I mean, she can't really expect me to keep this furniture for the rest of my life. Sure, it's high end stuff, but honestly, I don't feel like rocking the whole "southwestern theme" until I'm old enough to actually relate to it.
I decided that I wanted some more change today. After careful consideration at my dislike of my recently changed hair color (and by that I mean yesterday) aka it did not come out looking very different at ALL....I went red.
It's SO red...it's like, a cherry wood color. It's pretty. I like it.
I'm trying to make myself into an even better person. Job hunting is miserable as always. Too many scams and people trying to get college students into commission based work. It's lame...I hope I can find something...there was a great job for SRP but I don't know if I'm 100% qualified...but we'll see.
Alright, I'm going to try this sleep thing again................
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
I Want It All
Well, I will say this...A LOT has happened since the last posting...
From where I'm at now, things have definitely changed, but I still am feeling rather stuck with a lot of things in my life.
School is going well. I made it through with 1 'A' and the rest 'B's. Whoo!
My GPA isn't too great which pisses me off...but my actually college grade in my degree is awesome...! Too bad it's all cumulative...argh
The ceremony was awesome! Obama spoke and it was great....I mean, yeah I sat out in the heat for seven hours and almost DIED...but it was definitely something I'll always remember.
The actual graduation the next day was great....a lot of money, food and proud friends and family....I like that feeling of people recognizing me as a hard worker. I started thinking about my first graduation from H.S. and realized that this time around with my college graduation I have more to celebrate than I did four years ago.
Four years ago...I was pregnant and 17. I was all set up to go to ASU and almost blew it because I got knocked up by some loser who from what I heard is continuing to be a giant douchebag with no goals in his life whatsoever.
I almost threw my entire life away.........I mean, it could have turned out differently and I probably would still have made it through, but I find myself thinking about if I had had a kid and what kind of complications would have arisen from that....I don't know, that just bothers me because it's a weird thing to graduate and have people be proud of you and not be upset because you're knocked up with some loser's baby.
Anyways...haha
I got lots of money...whooo! Which then helped me get a new computer, which I am currently using :-) I got a really good deal on it and it even has a webcam, which is great considering I spent $429 on it...WIN
I'm using my old computer as a gaming computer which is AWESOME because now I can play all my Sims games on it, which is amazing in its own element because I freaking love that game :-)......but however, it is temporarily out of my possession since my roommate left for her field camp and asked to bring it so she can type up papers...and play a shit ton of Sims....oh well....I should probably be doing more motivating things than playing Sims as it is anyway.
Living with Melanie is going good. We're actually moving to a newer, BETTER apartment for numerous reasons...better rent, washer/dryer IN the unit, more space and WAAAAAY cheaper than before which is fucking fantastic. We're both really excited.... I mean, I was so excited that I packed up EVERYTHING I don't need in like, 20 minutes and we're not moving for another week haha
Oh well, at least it's all done and I don't have to worry about it.
I've found myself getting rather irritated at a lot going on in my life.....from work, to people to even myself.
Let's start with work.........I'm DONE with it.
I honestly cannot take anymore bullshit that goes on there and I want a new job IMMEDIATELY.
I am through with putting up with bullshit from people who unlike me, do not have a fucking degree in their possession. I mean, I know I have like, three summer courses left, but honestly, those will be over in less than two months, so they can SUCK it.
My job has not been doing anything for me lately and I feel ignored, mainly due to the douchebag that my boss just hired....who randomly disappeared, which is really weird. The good part is that he's going to be gone for 5-6 months, which gives us girls plenty of time to show that we do not need him and his "experience". Dude, fuck that guy...he can go shoot up some more meth for all I care.
FUCK HIM.
It really bothers me that my boss has pulled this favoratism bullshit with all of us considering we were perfectly fine before and we cannot afford to hire another person when we do not have enough hours to give as it IS.
I mean, now I'm full time and next semester I'm going to be doing classes at night anyways, so there really is no need to worry....but knowing my boss, she'll be the cunt that she is and still bring him back anyways to "help". The only thing that he helps with is increasing my desire to have headaches and vomit. That's all he's good for.
My bff calls him "meth face"...which he REALLy does look like...ugh ew
Ever since he went away, I've been looking on Career Builder determined to find a better job, especially now since I have a degree....almost.
I applied to A LOT of jobs over the past couple days, and was disappointed to find out that a couple were scams..FML
I know I can find something and I hope that it comes to me really quickly because I want to be out of Eyemasters by the time the douchebag comes back, because I do not think I can stand him much longer.
There are some other things that have been bothering me as well....some friends have been getting on my nerves in regards to me giving them advice. A friend of mine has been having boyfriend issues for the LONGEST fucking time, and all I tell her to do is to step out of the situation and leave him for a while, or at least distance herself so they can get a better hold on their relationship.
She hasn't listened to me EVER and it has constantly been pissing me off....fortunately, she has started to listen and is even in the process of looking for another place to live (temporarily at least, but hey it's a start).
Another thing is that she works with me, and constantly bitches about her hours and how much they suck......I get so annoyed I give her some of my hours...which I've come to realize is really lazy of me and looking back on it, I deserve those hours. I have a feeling I'm going to be A LOT more real with her and start telling her to shut the fuck up and get over it or get out because I'm sick of hearing about it. She gave me some hours to cover for her on Tues, so I'm not as upset anymore, but I'm not going to be a pushover just to get her to shut up anymore.
As far as myself, I am very disappointed. I feel like I have no initiative and am not at where I want to be right now.
I'm doing pretty well in school, which I'm glad about, and I'll be done soon.
The main thing I'm upset about is that I haven't been to the gym in months and it's costing me $15 to go, when I'm not even going. I feel and even look like I'm gaining weight and I have a bad feeling that it's only a matter of time before my thighs are touching so much that they don't even swish past each other anymore.
I don't know why I feel so unmotivated, but I am. I guess the treadmill pisses me off and I'm not great at figuring out a good routine that I like. I really don't feel like getting a personal trainer because that will cost me more than the actual gym membership, but something needs to be done.
I made a promise to myself at the beginning of summer, and that was to go back to the gym and start working out like I used to. I guess I have this huge pathetic feeling going to the gym especially since I'm never able to see results in myself or on my body.
Amber Hann has been pissing me off SO much lately. She used to go to my H.S. and we played softball together. She's a huge Bible thumper and constantly updates her FB like it's fucking Twitter (which can go fuck itself).
She constantly talks about how fucking "blessed" she is to have such a wonderful husband and life and how God provided it for her and blah blah blah Jesus is a Jew whatever stfu.
I don't know why, but I find a sort of sick pleasure from reading her ridiculous updates and remind myself that I'm not a fucking square, and I'm glad.
But...lately I've been noticing that she's been going to the gym with her husband and she HAS been losing weight that is being noticed in how her clothes fit her, and that really pisses me off.
I have always been a really motivated, strong person, and it kills me that my own body is my own worst enemy. I know that we as people are our harshest critics, but I know I do not exactly take the greatest care of my body and it kills me.
I've tackled a lot in my life but I've never been able to conquer my own body and make it into something that I want.
I don't know if it is pure laziness or the fact that I love food WAY too much, but something needs to be done about it.
I know that I love to stay up late and wake up late (as I type this at 1:38am)...and I think that little thing kills me.
I'm always wanting to sleep and I eat shit food throughout the day sometimes.
Sometimes I'm really good about eating healthy and I'll bring something to work for lunch that's not fast food, but when I wake up late or forget to bring a lunch, then that's when I eat unhealthy, and I hate it.
I really do not like salads, but I think that I need to start eating them in order to get myself into a better position with myself in both mind and body. I think I have been putting off going to work out because I'd rather stay at home and eat than go out and show the world that I am an unhealthy person and cannot manage to lose weight no matter what I do.
I know it's going to be REALLY hard and really tough, but I'm one of those people who would rather pop diet pills than run for a half hour... (I honestly hate it and wonder how I even did it for those three weeks I went to the gym for four days a fucking week).
I also have to remember what was going on during that week too that killed my motivation...the band cut me out and I was depressed in the way of a break up.
It killed me.
I felt so lost considering this was something that was a part of my life in a way that took up so much of my creativity and energy, and to have that yanked away made it so I wasn't able to function or think.
It's been a while since that whole incident, but it gets really hard sometimes especially since my roommate IS dating the lead singer. I felt really betrayed, but from what I've been hearing, they too have lost their desire to practice as much as they were before, which is really interesting considering they were so damn passionate about the whole project in the first place.
I've decided to set some goals for myself this summer and am hoping that they'll work out. If so, then I think I will help lift myself out of this funk that I'm currently in with...well EVERYTHING.
1. Work out more...if at ALL. I'm sick of sleeping in...well, not really, but yeah. I want to get toned and actually lose weight. I want to eat healthier and show people that I am someone to be recognized.
2. I want to get all 'A's in my summer courses. I'm worried about Grad school and actually getting into it. I have an okay GPA but it could be WAY better and I know getting 'A's would definitely help it big time.
3. I want a better fucking job, one that pays and treats me better than the schmucks at Eyemasters. It is definitely good experience, but it's not something I want to make a career out of. Whenever patients ask me if I want to be an optometrist or move "forward with my career here", I seriously want to look at them and be like, "Why so I can stay here for the rest of my fucking life and deal with people like you and get treated like crap? No." Too bad honestly isn't appreciated at Eyemasters where their slogan should be "No fun allowed" as my coworkers so omniously state all the time.
4. I want to go SOMEWHERE for my birthday damn it!!! I didn't get to go anywhere last year and that kind of pissed me off. I haven't had a damn vacation in years and I'm pissed off. My family goes to things all the time and I'm about done with putting up with not getting to do anything. I have worked hard for the last four years to get to where I am and I hate not having money or getting the opportunity like the rest of my friends to go out and visit Europe...but oh wait, they get money from their parents. Fuck them.
I think that if I can make these things happen for me this summer, then I can definitely get somewhere in my life where I can appreciate myself and more accomplishment in my life. I have felt pretty useless in college and I hate to admit that to myself, but it's the truth. I wish I had made more out of my college career. I wish I had joined a sorority, I wish I would have branched out, worked out, met new people instead of dealing with people who aren't motivated to go in a direction that makes them into stronger, better people. I know of maybe only one person like that and I'm glad I at least have them.
The only question I have to all of this, is why am I so UNmotivated?
What is stopping me from achieving what I want in life?
What is stopping me from starting the next chapter of my life?
After my move, I plan on making significant changes in my life. I want to become this better person and I want to be acknowledged. I'm sick of sitting on the sidelines not bothering to get up and change the view of myself.
I want change and I want it now.
From where I'm at now, things have definitely changed, but I still am feeling rather stuck with a lot of things in my life.
School is going well. I made it through with 1 'A' and the rest 'B's. Whoo!
My GPA isn't too great which pisses me off...but my actually college grade in my degree is awesome...! Too bad it's all cumulative...argh
The ceremony was awesome! Obama spoke and it was great....I mean, yeah I sat out in the heat for seven hours and almost DIED...but it was definitely something I'll always remember.
The actual graduation the next day was great....a lot of money, food and proud friends and family....I like that feeling of people recognizing me as a hard worker. I started thinking about my first graduation from H.S. and realized that this time around with my college graduation I have more to celebrate than I did four years ago.
Four years ago...I was pregnant and 17. I was all set up to go to ASU and almost blew it because I got knocked up by some loser who from what I heard is continuing to be a giant douchebag with no goals in his life whatsoever.
I almost threw my entire life away.........I mean, it could have turned out differently and I probably would still have made it through, but I find myself thinking about if I had had a kid and what kind of complications would have arisen from that....I don't know, that just bothers me because it's a weird thing to graduate and have people be proud of you and not be upset because you're knocked up with some loser's baby.
Anyways...haha
I got lots of money...whooo! Which then helped me get a new computer, which I am currently using :-) I got a really good deal on it and it even has a webcam, which is great considering I spent $429 on it...WIN
I'm using my old computer as a gaming computer which is AWESOME because now I can play all my Sims games on it, which is amazing in its own element because I freaking love that game :-)......but however, it is temporarily out of my possession since my roommate left for her field camp and asked to bring it so she can type up papers...and play a shit ton of Sims....oh well....I should probably be doing more motivating things than playing Sims as it is anyway.
Living with Melanie is going good. We're actually moving to a newer, BETTER apartment for numerous reasons...better rent, washer/dryer IN the unit, more space and WAAAAAY cheaper than before which is fucking fantastic. We're both really excited.... I mean, I was so excited that I packed up EVERYTHING I don't need in like, 20 minutes and we're not moving for another week haha
Oh well, at least it's all done and I don't have to worry about it.
I've found myself getting rather irritated at a lot going on in my life.....from work, to people to even myself.
Let's start with work.........I'm DONE with it.
I honestly cannot take anymore bullshit that goes on there and I want a new job IMMEDIATELY.
I am through with putting up with bullshit from people who unlike me, do not have a fucking degree in their possession. I mean, I know I have like, three summer courses left, but honestly, those will be over in less than two months, so they can SUCK it.
My job has not been doing anything for me lately and I feel ignored, mainly due to the douchebag that my boss just hired....who randomly disappeared, which is really weird. The good part is that he's going to be gone for 5-6 months, which gives us girls plenty of time to show that we do not need him and his "experience". Dude, fuck that guy...he can go shoot up some more meth for all I care.
FUCK HIM.
It really bothers me that my boss has pulled this favoratism bullshit with all of us considering we were perfectly fine before and we cannot afford to hire another person when we do not have enough hours to give as it IS.
I mean, now I'm full time and next semester I'm going to be doing classes at night anyways, so there really is no need to worry....but knowing my boss, she'll be the cunt that she is and still bring him back anyways to "help". The only thing that he helps with is increasing my desire to have headaches and vomit. That's all he's good for.
My bff calls him "meth face"...which he REALLy does look like...ugh ew
Ever since he went away, I've been looking on Career Builder determined to find a better job, especially now since I have a degree....almost.
I applied to A LOT of jobs over the past couple days, and was disappointed to find out that a couple were scams..FML
I know I can find something and I hope that it comes to me really quickly because I want to be out of Eyemasters by the time the douchebag comes back, because I do not think I can stand him much longer.
There are some other things that have been bothering me as well....some friends have been getting on my nerves in regards to me giving them advice. A friend of mine has been having boyfriend issues for the LONGEST fucking time, and all I tell her to do is to step out of the situation and leave him for a while, or at least distance herself so they can get a better hold on their relationship.
She hasn't listened to me EVER and it has constantly been pissing me off....fortunately, she has started to listen and is even in the process of looking for another place to live (temporarily at least, but hey it's a start).
Another thing is that she works with me, and constantly bitches about her hours and how much they suck......I get so annoyed I give her some of my hours...which I've come to realize is really lazy of me and looking back on it, I deserve those hours. I have a feeling I'm going to be A LOT more real with her and start telling her to shut the fuck up and get over it or get out because I'm sick of hearing about it. She gave me some hours to cover for her on Tues, so I'm not as upset anymore, but I'm not going to be a pushover just to get her to shut up anymore.
As far as myself, I am very disappointed. I feel like I have no initiative and am not at where I want to be right now.
I'm doing pretty well in school, which I'm glad about, and I'll be done soon.
The main thing I'm upset about is that I haven't been to the gym in months and it's costing me $15 to go, when I'm not even going. I feel and even look like I'm gaining weight and I have a bad feeling that it's only a matter of time before my thighs are touching so much that they don't even swish past each other anymore.
I don't know why I feel so unmotivated, but I am. I guess the treadmill pisses me off and I'm not great at figuring out a good routine that I like. I really don't feel like getting a personal trainer because that will cost me more than the actual gym membership, but something needs to be done.
I made a promise to myself at the beginning of summer, and that was to go back to the gym and start working out like I used to. I guess I have this huge pathetic feeling going to the gym especially since I'm never able to see results in myself or on my body.
Amber Hann has been pissing me off SO much lately. She used to go to my H.S. and we played softball together. She's a huge Bible thumper and constantly updates her FB like it's fucking Twitter (which can go fuck itself).
She constantly talks about how fucking "blessed" she is to have such a wonderful husband and life and how God provided it for her and blah blah blah Jesus is a Jew whatever stfu.
I don't know why, but I find a sort of sick pleasure from reading her ridiculous updates and remind myself that I'm not a fucking square, and I'm glad.
But...lately I've been noticing that she's been going to the gym with her husband and she HAS been losing weight that is being noticed in how her clothes fit her, and that really pisses me off.
I have always been a really motivated, strong person, and it kills me that my own body is my own worst enemy. I know that we as people are our harshest critics, but I know I do not exactly take the greatest care of my body and it kills me.
I've tackled a lot in my life but I've never been able to conquer my own body and make it into something that I want.
I don't know if it is pure laziness or the fact that I love food WAY too much, but something needs to be done about it.
I know that I love to stay up late and wake up late (as I type this at 1:38am)...and I think that little thing kills me.
I'm always wanting to sleep and I eat shit food throughout the day sometimes.
Sometimes I'm really good about eating healthy and I'll bring something to work for lunch that's not fast food, but when I wake up late or forget to bring a lunch, then that's when I eat unhealthy, and I hate it.
I really do not like salads, but I think that I need to start eating them in order to get myself into a better position with myself in both mind and body. I think I have been putting off going to work out because I'd rather stay at home and eat than go out and show the world that I am an unhealthy person and cannot manage to lose weight no matter what I do.
I know it's going to be REALLY hard and really tough, but I'm one of those people who would rather pop diet pills than run for a half hour... (I honestly hate it and wonder how I even did it for those three weeks I went to the gym for four days a fucking week).
I also have to remember what was going on during that week too that killed my motivation...the band cut me out and I was depressed in the way of a break up.
It killed me.
I felt so lost considering this was something that was a part of my life in a way that took up so much of my creativity and energy, and to have that yanked away made it so I wasn't able to function or think.
It's been a while since that whole incident, but it gets really hard sometimes especially since my roommate IS dating the lead singer. I felt really betrayed, but from what I've been hearing, they too have lost their desire to practice as much as they were before, which is really interesting considering they were so damn passionate about the whole project in the first place.
I've decided to set some goals for myself this summer and am hoping that they'll work out. If so, then I think I will help lift myself out of this funk that I'm currently in with...well EVERYTHING.
1. Work out more...if at ALL. I'm sick of sleeping in...well, not really, but yeah. I want to get toned and actually lose weight. I want to eat healthier and show people that I am someone to be recognized.
2. I want to get all 'A's in my summer courses. I'm worried about Grad school and actually getting into it. I have an okay GPA but it could be WAY better and I know getting 'A's would definitely help it big time.
3. I want a better fucking job, one that pays and treats me better than the schmucks at Eyemasters. It is definitely good experience, but it's not something I want to make a career out of. Whenever patients ask me if I want to be an optometrist or move "forward with my career here", I seriously want to look at them and be like, "Why so I can stay here for the rest of my fucking life and deal with people like you and get treated like crap? No." Too bad honestly isn't appreciated at Eyemasters where their slogan should be "No fun allowed" as my coworkers so omniously state all the time.
4. I want to go SOMEWHERE for my birthday damn it!!! I didn't get to go anywhere last year and that kind of pissed me off. I haven't had a damn vacation in years and I'm pissed off. My family goes to things all the time and I'm about done with putting up with not getting to do anything. I have worked hard for the last four years to get to where I am and I hate not having money or getting the opportunity like the rest of my friends to go out and visit Europe...but oh wait, they get money from their parents. Fuck them.
I think that if I can make these things happen for me this summer, then I can definitely get somewhere in my life where I can appreciate myself and more accomplishment in my life. I have felt pretty useless in college and I hate to admit that to myself, but it's the truth. I wish I had made more out of my college career. I wish I had joined a sorority, I wish I would have branched out, worked out, met new people instead of dealing with people who aren't motivated to go in a direction that makes them into stronger, better people. I know of maybe only one person like that and I'm glad I at least have them.
The only question I have to all of this, is why am I so UNmotivated?
What is stopping me from achieving what I want in life?
What is stopping me from starting the next chapter of my life?
After my move, I plan on making significant changes in my life. I want to become this better person and I want to be acknowledged. I'm sick of sitting on the sidelines not bothering to get up and change the view of myself.
I want change and I want it now.
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