We shall survive, let us take ourselves along!

Well, I'm not really sure how to say this...but I think the battle is lost.

I haven't heard anything from the guys regarding me playing or being added to the EP...

I haven't gone to the last 2 practices because I've been trying to get the EP into a more solid state, which I have! I rewrote some parts in two of the songs and they sound WAY better and more energetic....and just fucking epic!

So...I was thinking today about possibly going to practice tomorrow, to hang out, see everybody, because I miss them all. I noticed there was a post about them going back into the studio...so, me thinking that maybe they'd want me to play, I text the leader...

And come to find out that it's not necessary for me to come down, but thanks anyways.

...............................I'm not sure what to think.

I asked if they were mad at me, but was told they're not...which just confuses me even more.

I mean, yeah I haven't gone to the practices the past two times, but do they blame me? I've had no reason to according to them and I would probably work out better with things if I practiced on my own anyways. So there....that's my opinion about things.

My roommate has an audition on Sunday...that should be interesting. I'm going with her just in case the people are odd..lol

I'm thinking about looking for another band to join or even consider, but I'm not 100% sure of what I'm going to do yet. I mean, I still want to go my original route and work on music and get better at song writing like I have been...but especially after tonight, I'm not sure on how to approach things. I think I will definitely go by on Wednesday just to hang out, but that's about it.

I'm going to try to get a feel for how they are feeling regarding me as a person and a musician.

I mean the last time we talked, they told me flat out they liked me as a person and wanted me to think about what I wanted to do. I even told our lead guy that I wanted to talk to him and to let me know when he's free. He obviously doesn't care about it because he never got back to me.

That makes me kind of sad since there have been a lot of broken promises between him and I.

Promises to work on music together and make things sound better. I guess I wasn't important enough or worth spending time with...as I've noticed before with his "girlfriend" (who he broke up with I'm assuming considering his recent V-day pics....with his ex..haha don't even get me started on that shit) and considering what happened a couple Saturday's ago at the show.

I can't help feel irritated by this whole thing, but part of me isn't at the same time. The reason I say this is because I feel more at ease with less pressure on me. I mean, I've honestly only had about 2 months to really work on stuff...I thought about it.

I took winter session..and that took up a huge part of my break that I didn't even notice other things going on around me.

For instance, I missed the deadline for graduate school. So now, I'll have a semester off and will work on applying then...

This is going to be weird since I've been going to school every semester since I was a little kid. It'll be weird to not be doing anything during this time.

A lot of my friends think it's great because I'll be done with my B.A. and have time off...but I like being busy, I like learning.

Speaking of which, I just registered for my last classes for summer session...the GOOD news is that they're all online! (THANK GOD). I honestly don't think I could ever do a summer/winter in session class. Good LORD....that was almost a mistake...but it'll be worth it in the end when I walk in May. :-)

Nonetheless, it'll be weird to not have any classes next semester....my friend Steven and I were talking about Oktoberfest...and as AWESOME as it sounds..I don't know if I'd do it.

The biggest part is money (obviously). I mean, I do have the time, but money is the biggest thing. The next is flying by myself. The stops were awesome though....GA (which I've been before haha) and PARIS.....wow...For like, 4.5 hours... I mean shit it's Paris!

It's really too soon to tell what I'll be doing then anyways, so we'll see what happens.

For right now, I'm just trying to get through this semester and get shit sorted out with, well, pretty much everything.

My life is pretty much in a lull right now. I'm still WAITING for my braces to come off...they should be off the 24th, if not, shit is going down in the orthodontist's office...no joke.

School is good though. I'm doing really well actually and I think I've tapped into my "I really like to learn/I want to be a smarter person" phase of college. Too bad it's NOW and wasn't 2 years ago...yaaay parties.

Regardless, I've found myself thinking pretty much everyday about the last 4 years of my life.

They've been great full of good/bad/awesome/sad memories. I've experienced a lot, met a lot of great people who I still talk to today and yet, as cliche as it sounds, I feel like my life is just starting. I'm not afraid of the corporate world, but that's mainly because I'm going to continue my education.....when I get around to applying for graduate school next semester..haha

I'm also considering a change in career too. I think I'd really like to get back into working for a radio station again....definitely not the Edge though.........that was almost a mistake. I say this because I did get a lot of good experience, but some of those experiences were just, wrong.

I'm not sure what I'd like to do per say, but I'm sure I could find something again...especially since I have experience in the field roughly.

I finished Angels & Demons........such a good book! I was really impressed with Dan Brown and how he wrote it...I'll admit, I've stayed up waaaaay past my bedtime to try to find out what happens..and it was probably one of the best books I've read in my entire life. I highly recommend it.

And...my throat hurts.....ow >.<

'Charlie Brown runs to kick football, but Lucy pulls it away'

Well, a lot has happened since Saturday's fiasco...and frankly it hasn't gotten any better..it got worse.

Let's see....where do I begin.

Good news first...

My sister made up with my parents finally. That was something that I thought would take longer than normal but it worked out quite nicely. They got her an apartment and everything, which she moved into today. I'm really glad things finally worked out, but my siblings have yet to officially accept her being back in their lives. My brother is still really mad and who can blame him, he's young, he doesn't fully understand the circumstances.

We hung out on Sunday night which was nice considering I haven't seen her in like, 2-3 months. We saw a movie, talked about life. She looks good, smokes (ugh) but seems to be doing quite well, especially since she's off her medication.

I talked to her about the band and she seems pretty upset like I am, but at the same time thinks I should fight for my position and try to do what I want to.

Speaking of which...more stuff happened.

I hate to say it, but after Saturday I just had a feeling that things were not going to get any better with the band...and sadly, I was right.

They, and I mean "they" very loosely considering it was only one person doing the talking...

"They" told me that it is a general consensus that a violin should not be in every song and that I will get credentials for putting my work into the band, but I won't be an official member of it at all...............I was crushed.

I've put a lot of work into this for the past 2-3 months, but I honestly don't think I'm 100% there yet.

First of all, I have never written my own stuff and trying to figure out how to do that in 2-3 months is hard. It's really hard, especially since I've always just played what was in front of me. I never had the nerve to try to compose anything...and actually, now that I think about it, I did, and it sucked..majorly.

On top of that, I've been told that my "learning curve" hasn't gotten better. I say it this way because I honestly don't think I have a problem with my learning curve, and with something like this it's pretty nonexistent. The only thing I'm really having a problem with is actually writing my own stuff. Like I said, for me it's hard. I'm not a great writer, I suck, mainly because I'm not given enough time to really try to write.

I've been thinking about this since Wednesday when they talked to me, and here's what I've figured out....

1. I went to school year round this year....which, especially in winter SUCKED ASS. I say this because for winter session, I went 5 days a week, got little to no sleep and worked roughly 25 hours a week. So all of that basically inhibited me from working on ANY music. I'll admit, as sad as it is, that I didn't get a chance to work on anything because I was swamped from my class. It was a lame class, but I needed to take it..and I did, and sadly I think it may have cost me a month's work for music.

2. Like I said before, I SUCK at writing. I am not that great at it, but honestly, I think if I am given more time that is not so time constricting/full of constant pressure, I would be fine. I honestly think I would be....I wouldn't be so freaked out/feeling like I was on a deadline that could make or break me....but considering how things are right now, I guess it's broken me.

3. For quite a while, I haven't really felt apart of this band. If anything, I don't think this band has been acting as a "whole" until we got a new vocalist, and when that happened, I was pretty much kicked out...shoved away in the back corner. Take for instance Saturday, when I was ignored the entire time by everybody who I considered to be a friend. Yes, I got an apology, but honestly, WTF? Where do they get off treating me like that? I've put a lot of effort into this band and to feel like I was apart of something one minute and then not the next just bothers me immensely. I'm also seeing this in another way of helping each other out. I told the guys I haven't felt like I was getting much help in the band either. I told then I felt lost and stuck and unsure about what to do. First they tell me they have no problem writing my parts, then the next they complain about it. A band is about helping each other out when they're stuck and being there with them through thick and thin...and honestly, I feel like they haven't done any of that. Sure they've encouraged me and told me that they want me to be in the band and work really hard, and sure that's nice, but all I've heard from our 'leader' is "Oh, we should get together so we can work on stuff".....and that never happened. Ever.

It did at first, but oh right, this was during the "I think you're cool and mysterious and really want to bang you because I'm a giant tool" phase. Now I'm just leftovers, yeah I get it.

But yeah, that's basically how I'm feeling about the whole situation with the band. I think they're a great group of guys, but honestly, I don't have any music experience by simply picking it up by ear or even just writing my own stuff. I'm having a hard time with this and I feel like I'm not getting any understanding sent my way.

Here's the best way to break it down...our 'leader' gets the parts first and gets them all down to the point of where he and his 'partner' sit down and get the parts finalized for them. Then they bring it to practice and make us all look like idiots by telling us we suck because we don't get the time like they do to work on music like they do, by collaborating on it together. I've never had that luxury because I've always been sitting in my room, in my chair, on iTunes playing the song over and over again trying to learn it...and honestly from what I've come up with so far, that's pretty good, at least to me.

There are so many things wrong with this band and it pisses me off because nothing is equal or fair for anybody involved in it, mainly me. Our female vocalist even gets off easy because for right now, she's singing stuff that is basically already written for her...for me, I had to figure out my notes and passages to play, and yes, while I did get help, I have to play them on an instrument that takes a lot of skill to play. It's hard and I've tried pretty damn hard.

Well, that concludes the band stuff...that was probably the biggest part that was upsetting me the most considering it's probably something that I won't have in my life anymore. It's been a big part of me for the past couple of months and it's hard to let it go...it really is. I changed my work schedule so I could go to it and I've loved playing again..it's been an awesome feeling.

I'm not really sure what to do now...now, they want me to just be a 'guest artist' on certain songs, but not all of them..which I think is lame. They feel that a violin should not be on every song, but I think they're wrong.....I think it could work, I just need to become a bit more creative with writing and figuring out parts. I know I can do it if I was given adequate time, but a big part of me needs to prove it to them.

I have been practicing, but as far as the writing process goes, I've been getting stuck whenver I go back to trying to do it again. I think I'm scared to get shot down or mess up or write something that sounds shitty just because they basically tell me it's like that whenever I bring something new in.

I still really need to talk to him about it and get all of this out to him so he can understand and see my position. It really doesn't seem like he's had a lot of heartbreak or 'real' experiences in his life to where he can understand where I'm coming from. I need to make him understand and maybe things will change. Who knows....

Anyways..........moving on...

Kitty has been pissing me off lately..and I try to say this with no pun intended..but...

She peed on my bagles/English muffins....yeah, that was not pleasant to find out..

And no, I did not eat one and find out..they were soaked in urine...ugh

So that was gross...

Also...I've been getting into bed more to do homework since it's more comfortable, and over the past couple of days, I've noticed a slight litter box smell in my room..and I thought maybe it's because the box hasn't been changed in a while, so I haven't really made it into a huge deal to really look for the smell.

Well, one morning I woke up and made my bed...and noticed that I had pee stains on both of my pillows.

Yeah, I was about ready to kill the cat. Still am mad.

I don't get it..needless to say, I've started closing my door when I leave. I don't need anymore surprises when I come home.

Found out something cool.......my Gender & Communication teacher used to be a woman....yay gender reassignment surgery!

Oh and my roommate showed me prosthetic penises....look at these things!:

http://www.tyron2.net/9.html

They're freaking AWESOME...and so real looking...all you need is some glue. :)

School is going well....surprisingly. Both my roommate and I have gotten better with doing our readings..yay

Oh, some asshole ate my macaroni at work ....not cool. It's been happening to other people and frankly it's starting to piss us ALL off....argh

Work was weird today...my retail manager actually expressed how pissed she was at her job and just how done she is with it. I can relate in the way of my social life.

Right now, I am pretty fed up with how things are.

I say this for the reason that the band is falling apart for me, my friends who I considered to be friends are not really acknowledging me...

For instance tonight, there was a party, I wasn't told. I mean wtf, lame.

Here I am at home watching 'How I Met Your Mother' all night....on a FRIDAY.

I mean yeah, I do have work the next morning, but it would have been nice to go out I guess.

My bff joined a sorority, which kind of makes me have an urge to do the same.

I mean, honestly, it would be cool to meet some new people and do a new thing. I've started thinking back over my college years and thought about what I've done and all I've pretty much done is party, school, party, work, work, work, school, SCHOOL, school, band, work, work....

I've also found myself staying in, not really doing much..it's kind of lame. I need to try to put myself out there more or SOMETHING...I'm so sick of feeling this way.

I'm also starting to think that maybe I'm outgrowing all these people I considered to be my friends over the past 4 years. A part of me is starting to wonder if I'll make new friends and if it'll actually mean something to call them a friend as they would call me one.

It feels like everything is drifting away, and right now things don't feel so great.

My Charlie Brown luck has been really kicking in over this past week....I'm not sure how to deal with it.

I took my night to cry and get all my feelings out, but I feel like there's more inside that is still trapped under the surface....

I've been trying really hard to be optimistic and try to look on the brighter side of things...but it's hard to stop doing the things you were so used to doing for a long time...especially when they get taken away from you.

I feel alone. I feel like I went to take that big kick to the football and it was taken away from me and I missed and fell flat on my back...and now I'm lying here, wondering how to go about this.


Should I just lie there? Get up? Cry?......

I don't even feel like people are standing over me to see if I'm okay or offer a hand to help me up...and yet here I lie with the feeling of having the wind knocked out of me.

I need some air....and less lonely feelings.

"I'm fighting with your band"

Well...this weekend...was FAIL

I was sad...very sad...as I have not felt the entire time I have been in this band.

I've been putting off writing about this for the main reason that I wanted to get my thoughts together and be a lot calmer before I actually did anything or said anything.

To start, we finally found a female vocalist, which is awesome. She's pretty good and she has the right energy up on stage which is great.

Well, she came in on a Wed or Sat, I can't remember...but...anyways..Saturday rolls around and we have a show, and I had been hoping during the week that we'd be able to work on the last song that I needed to so I could actually play..................

Not

They went ahead and changed the line up and put the singer on so she could sing along with them.....while I got to stand out in the crowd.

It got worse.

Little things during that night made me want to cry. Little snide comments like "Oh that's too bad you're not playing" and "Let's take a band picture" and not include me....

Oh and they took her "band" picture like they have on the site.

The WHOLE night, I felt alienated, I felt useless....I felt like all the hard work I've put in over these past couple months have been worth nothing to them.

I tried to not let it get to me..I went outside, cried, got it out of my system....went back to get ready.

And of course, I was invisible. I felt like Anne Hathaway's character in The Princess Diaires when the guy sat on her lap.........because that's basically what happened to me AFTER the show....one of the fans was like, "Hey when did you get here? Where have you been?"...

Yeah...shitty.

So after I was all upset, bitched to my friends and went home, I thought about it. I thought about it really hard...and here's what I've figured out...

1. It takes a lot of skill to play an instrument. With vocals, it's about memorizing lyrics, hitting your notes or getting somewhat close and even then you can pretty much slide into it...and I pretty much play an entire song, so it requires a lot more work and time and it's not something that can be taken lightly or fucked around with.

2. I'm looking at this whole situation optimistically. I'm not going to be defeated by what happened, I am going to grow stronger. I am going to work harder, get my parts down and figure out what the hell to do with all those songs I've been avoiding and getting stuck on. I'm tired of sitting out in practice and not feeling caught up. I'm tired of getting my "passion" questioned and I'm tired of being cast aside. I am fucking important. I've worked too damn hard to let something as stupid as this affect me.

3. I know who is mainly responsible for this. It's him....it is his project..and pretty much "his show". We all know it and I think a lot of us are upset with the way he's been acting in regards to the band and us as people. I know it was his idea to put our female singer up on stage and he probably knows it upset me...but part of me thinks that nobody really noticed. That's why I'm not going to let it get to me. I know there are more shows in the future and I WILL be ready when the next show comes up. I have my costume, I have the desire, I have the ability to get it all down....I just need the time and energy, and I'll make sure I have it so I can get this shit done. I'm tired of his bullshit just as a lot of people are, and it really worries me that if this continues on, something will happen where it may affect the band, all because he couldn't keep his penis to himself or he got a big head with the band and made it to where it's all about him (which he pretty much does, but nobody really picks up on it or they don't want to go against the word of our 'leader').

This weekend definitely was a rude awakening and I was so upset that I couldn't even rock out with the band. Our guitarist's girlfriend seemed pretty pleased that our female singer was up there...and for some weird reason, I got the feeling that she was happy I wasn't up there....and I think this based on the idea that I've heard stories from my band mates that she thinks I shouldn't play every song. Yeah, we'll see about that. You try playing a hard fucking instrument.

I also thought about our old female vocalist and how she got upset when I was brought into the band and how she thought she was being "replaced" because I was backing up her singing parts...and it occurred to me that maybe she wasn't as crazy as the guys made her out to be. I mean if you think about it, the guys probably kind of did to her what they did to me in a way...made it out like we weren't included and that upset her and I. I don't think the guys realized they did this, but we'll see at our next practice. I don't think I'm going to bring it up anymore. I was thinking about confronting our 'leader'...but honestly, I don't think he needs to know just how big of a jackass he is.......just yet at least.

Karma has a way of working itself back around, and I think it's definitely his time to get some shit shoveled in his face.