'Charlie Brown runs to kick football, but Lucy pulls it away'

Well, a lot has happened since Saturday's fiasco...and frankly it hasn't gotten any better..it got worse.

Let's see....where do I begin.

Good news first...

My sister made up with my parents finally. That was something that I thought would take longer than normal but it worked out quite nicely. They got her an apartment and everything, which she moved into today. I'm really glad things finally worked out, but my siblings have yet to officially accept her being back in their lives. My brother is still really mad and who can blame him, he's young, he doesn't fully understand the circumstances.

We hung out on Sunday night which was nice considering I haven't seen her in like, 2-3 months. We saw a movie, talked about life. She looks good, smokes (ugh) but seems to be doing quite well, especially since she's off her medication.

I talked to her about the band and she seems pretty upset like I am, but at the same time thinks I should fight for my position and try to do what I want to.

Speaking of which...more stuff happened.

I hate to say it, but after Saturday I just had a feeling that things were not going to get any better with the band...and sadly, I was right.

They, and I mean "they" very loosely considering it was only one person doing the talking...

"They" told me that it is a general consensus that a violin should not be in every song and that I will get credentials for putting my work into the band, but I won't be an official member of it at all...............I was crushed.

I've put a lot of work into this for the past 2-3 months, but I honestly don't think I'm 100% there yet.

First of all, I have never written my own stuff and trying to figure out how to do that in 2-3 months is hard. It's really hard, especially since I've always just played what was in front of me. I never had the nerve to try to compose anything...and actually, now that I think about it, I did, and it sucked..majorly.

On top of that, I've been told that my "learning curve" hasn't gotten better. I say it this way because I honestly don't think I have a problem with my learning curve, and with something like this it's pretty nonexistent. The only thing I'm really having a problem with is actually writing my own stuff. Like I said, for me it's hard. I'm not a great writer, I suck, mainly because I'm not given enough time to really try to write.

I've been thinking about this since Wednesday when they talked to me, and here's what I've figured out....

1. I went to school year round this year....which, especially in winter SUCKED ASS. I say this because for winter session, I went 5 days a week, got little to no sleep and worked roughly 25 hours a week. So all of that basically inhibited me from working on ANY music. I'll admit, as sad as it is, that I didn't get a chance to work on anything because I was swamped from my class. It was a lame class, but I needed to take it..and I did, and sadly I think it may have cost me a month's work for music.

2. Like I said before, I SUCK at writing. I am not that great at it, but honestly, I think if I am given more time that is not so time constricting/full of constant pressure, I would be fine. I honestly think I would be....I wouldn't be so freaked out/feeling like I was on a deadline that could make or break me....but considering how things are right now, I guess it's broken me.

3. For quite a while, I haven't really felt apart of this band. If anything, I don't think this band has been acting as a "whole" until we got a new vocalist, and when that happened, I was pretty much kicked out...shoved away in the back corner. Take for instance Saturday, when I was ignored the entire time by everybody who I considered to be a friend. Yes, I got an apology, but honestly, WTF? Where do they get off treating me like that? I've put a lot of effort into this band and to feel like I was apart of something one minute and then not the next just bothers me immensely. I'm also seeing this in another way of helping each other out. I told the guys I haven't felt like I was getting much help in the band either. I told then I felt lost and stuck and unsure about what to do. First they tell me they have no problem writing my parts, then the next they complain about it. A band is about helping each other out when they're stuck and being there with them through thick and thin...and honestly, I feel like they haven't done any of that. Sure they've encouraged me and told me that they want me to be in the band and work really hard, and sure that's nice, but all I've heard from our 'leader' is "Oh, we should get together so we can work on stuff".....and that never happened. Ever.

It did at first, but oh right, this was during the "I think you're cool and mysterious and really want to bang you because I'm a giant tool" phase. Now I'm just leftovers, yeah I get it.

But yeah, that's basically how I'm feeling about the whole situation with the band. I think they're a great group of guys, but honestly, I don't have any music experience by simply picking it up by ear or even just writing my own stuff. I'm having a hard time with this and I feel like I'm not getting any understanding sent my way.

Here's the best way to break it down...our 'leader' gets the parts first and gets them all down to the point of where he and his 'partner' sit down and get the parts finalized for them. Then they bring it to practice and make us all look like idiots by telling us we suck because we don't get the time like they do to work on music like they do, by collaborating on it together. I've never had that luxury because I've always been sitting in my room, in my chair, on iTunes playing the song over and over again trying to learn it...and honestly from what I've come up with so far, that's pretty good, at least to me.

There are so many things wrong with this band and it pisses me off because nothing is equal or fair for anybody involved in it, mainly me. Our female vocalist even gets off easy because for right now, she's singing stuff that is basically already written for her...for me, I had to figure out my notes and passages to play, and yes, while I did get help, I have to play them on an instrument that takes a lot of skill to play. It's hard and I've tried pretty damn hard.

Well, that concludes the band stuff...that was probably the biggest part that was upsetting me the most considering it's probably something that I won't have in my life anymore. It's been a big part of me for the past couple of months and it's hard to let it go...it really is. I changed my work schedule so I could go to it and I've loved playing again..it's been an awesome feeling.

I'm not really sure what to do now...now, they want me to just be a 'guest artist' on certain songs, but not all of them..which I think is lame. They feel that a violin should not be on every song, but I think they're wrong.....I think it could work, I just need to become a bit more creative with writing and figuring out parts. I know I can do it if I was given adequate time, but a big part of me needs to prove it to them.

I have been practicing, but as far as the writing process goes, I've been getting stuck whenver I go back to trying to do it again. I think I'm scared to get shot down or mess up or write something that sounds shitty just because they basically tell me it's like that whenever I bring something new in.

I still really need to talk to him about it and get all of this out to him so he can understand and see my position. It really doesn't seem like he's had a lot of heartbreak or 'real' experiences in his life to where he can understand where I'm coming from. I need to make him understand and maybe things will change. Who knows....

Anyways..........moving on...

Kitty has been pissing me off lately..and I try to say this with no pun intended..but...

She peed on my bagles/English muffins....yeah, that was not pleasant to find out..

And no, I did not eat one and find out..they were soaked in urine...ugh

So that was gross...

Also...I've been getting into bed more to do homework since it's more comfortable, and over the past couple of days, I've noticed a slight litter box smell in my room..and I thought maybe it's because the box hasn't been changed in a while, so I haven't really made it into a huge deal to really look for the smell.

Well, one morning I woke up and made my bed...and noticed that I had pee stains on both of my pillows.

Yeah, I was about ready to kill the cat. Still am mad.

I don't get it..needless to say, I've started closing my door when I leave. I don't need anymore surprises when I come home.

Found out something cool.......my Gender & Communication teacher used to be a woman....yay gender reassignment surgery!

Oh and my roommate showed me prosthetic penises....look at these things!:

http://www.tyron2.net/9.html

They're freaking AWESOME...and so real looking...all you need is some glue. :)

School is going well....surprisingly. Both my roommate and I have gotten better with doing our readings..yay

Oh, some asshole ate my macaroni at work ....not cool. It's been happening to other people and frankly it's starting to piss us ALL off....argh

Work was weird today...my retail manager actually expressed how pissed she was at her job and just how done she is with it. I can relate in the way of my social life.

Right now, I am pretty fed up with how things are.

I say this for the reason that the band is falling apart for me, my friends who I considered to be friends are not really acknowledging me...

For instance tonight, there was a party, I wasn't told. I mean wtf, lame.

Here I am at home watching 'How I Met Your Mother' all night....on a FRIDAY.

I mean yeah, I do have work the next morning, but it would have been nice to go out I guess.

My bff joined a sorority, which kind of makes me have an urge to do the same.

I mean, honestly, it would be cool to meet some new people and do a new thing. I've started thinking back over my college years and thought about what I've done and all I've pretty much done is party, school, party, work, work, work, school, SCHOOL, school, band, work, work....

I've also found myself staying in, not really doing much..it's kind of lame. I need to try to put myself out there more or SOMETHING...I'm so sick of feeling this way.

I'm also starting to think that maybe I'm outgrowing all these people I considered to be my friends over the past 4 years. A part of me is starting to wonder if I'll make new friends and if it'll actually mean something to call them a friend as they would call me one.

It feels like everything is drifting away, and right now things don't feel so great.

My Charlie Brown luck has been really kicking in over this past week....I'm not sure how to deal with it.

I took my night to cry and get all my feelings out, but I feel like there's more inside that is still trapped under the surface....

I've been trying really hard to be optimistic and try to look on the brighter side of things...but it's hard to stop doing the things you were so used to doing for a long time...especially when they get taken away from you.

I feel alone. I feel like I went to take that big kick to the football and it was taken away from me and I missed and fell flat on my back...and now I'm lying here, wondering how to go about this.


Should I just lie there? Get up? Cry?......

I don't even feel like people are standing over me to see if I'm okay or offer a hand to help me up...and yet here I lie with the feeling of having the wind knocked out of me.

I need some air....and less lonely feelings.