'that that don't kill me...only makes me stronger'

Well, it is sad to say that I am no longer in the band.


Lame SAUCE.........yeah

I haven't written in a while mainly due to the fact that I did not want to accept a lot that has been going on with my life.

I have been ignoring the shitty things I have been going through and pretending they do not exist. I have been doing this by hiding in my room, eating (ugh), and being bitter.

Fortunately, it has not affected school, which is nice.

Let's see...a lot has happened....

Well, the band thing first off. I have basically been cut off. I remember asking if they wanted me to do some work by adding to the EP, but that got shot down very quickly. I knew something was up when that happened and while I said I wanted to say something about it, I have very slowly determined that saying something about it now and trying to defend myself at this point in time is basically, pointless. So I gave up trying to do anything about it and have now been dealing with a 'bad band breakup'.

Honestly, the relationship was awesome. I was playing music again and I felt better as a musician skill wise. I cannot believe I let something like this happen, but honestly I feel that there are a lot of things wrong with how this played out. I think I was not treated fairly in a lot of aspects of the band. I was not included, helped or encouraged in what I deem a positive way...and not getting invited to writing sessions is a big 'fuck you' I like to think.

Like I said, I have come to terms with it that I am out and have no chance of ever doing it again, but it gets really hard to deal with on occasion, like the March 10th show. Wow that was a hard day.....I knew the pictures would be up the following day and that their show would have been simply epic.....I didn't go. I couldn't bring myself to. I felt like I had no business and did not even feel like I was apart of it in anyway. So I stayed home and tried not to think about it when really I just kept thinking about what it would have been like to have played up there with them had I had more help and time and equal treatment as musician.

Like I said, SOOOOO many things wrong with the band. Trust me, I did kick myself for sleeping with him and so many other things, but all I can do right now is move forward. I find it really hard to listen to the music or even look at my violin. It just serves as a painful reminder of what could have been had things been different.

I'm still having a hard time with this, but not as bad as when the inital shock set in. I have had a lot of support since then from friends, but I just find it hard to not be mad at them all, especially since my roommate's boyfriend is the lead singer...but I did find out he voted for me, which is nice to know that at least some people have faith in me afterall.

Since that bomb, my work out schedule was put on a drastic halt. I was doing SO good too!

I was up to 4 days a week and after the band thing I just had no desire to get up or do anything. I slept, lied in bed and felt like shit for about 2 weeks....and then I got sick as fuck.

Thank God for leftover antibiotics! They helped, but then I got sick with something else....I'm honestly considering getting my tonsils out if I get as sick as I did because this is bullshit to deal with. I hate not being able to swallow normally. It BLOWS.

Work has been pissing me off....I'm seriously getting fed up with my manager and her constant nagging/demands that she wants. She's making all the techs and I go through the files to alphabetize, put in boxes, mark the under 21 year olds, it's a freaking nightmare!

There are so many projects which I find it interesting they are just now being told to us....but whatever.

I'm hoping by the time I have my degree that I'll be able to find a better/better paying job that will let me go to graduate school and take classes.

Oh another nice yet stupid thing....argh

I missed the deadline for graduate school.....I blame it on the fact that I was under pressure from the band/winter session. Never....EVER....again...

I did not think the deadline would creep up as it did and I thought I would have received some sort of notification from the school at least. I mean shit! They advertise about random meetings on campus that are fucking stupid, yet they don't tell me about the dealine for graduate school!? Thanks assholes.

But...the GOOD news is that I can apply as a nondegree student so I can at least start taking classes, then get my stuff together to apply for graduate school next Spring...so that worked out at least...and then I can also bump up my GPA more whooo!

In regards to the world of boys...things are sort of...comparable to a drought.

I mean, I did the whole best friend hook up thing a week or 2 ago, but that's about it. There's a new guy who may be on my radar and I'm considering giving it a try....

My ex is driving me CRAZY...he humiliated me at his party for one thing, which I'm still pissed about, but he thinks that after what he did and how we "talked" (meaning, me being in shock from embarrassment) that we're "okay" now. Yeah...no.

So now he's been texting me, trying to talk to me, but all I've been doing is ignoring him. I can't stand him and while I may be able to from time to time, that doesn't mean I want to be friends. I'm way past friends with that kid.

Some interesting stuff happened with him though. The guy who I thought would remember me as the only one who wasn't crazy didn't...and honestly I am pretty glad. He recently found out his latest chick he was doing was in fact CRAZY.

Even after I told him SOOO many times that she was, he refused to get it....that is until after she:

1. Went through his text messages when he wasn't looking
2. Went through his myspace inbox messages when he accidentally left it logged in
3. Had her crazy friend follow him to the pub where he met another band member and I for a drink to make sure he wasn't "screwing some bimbo" as it was put

And she did this all in the name of love and trust for the sake of their relationship....yeah haha you fail you dumb bitch

Honestly, that was probably the funniest thing I have heard relationship wise that I personally know about....and thank GOD because if anything, it was a matter of time and I knew it was coming. She had reached her limit with him (2 months) so I knew it was about that time when she would start freaking out which would only freak him out more.

Things only got worse after that though............he went back to his crazy ex-girlfriend...the one he swore UP and DOWN that would never happen again.

Well, it is only a matter of time with him. My roommate thinks he secretly likes her but doesn't want to admit it......I think he's insecure and is reverting back to a safe place relationship-wise until he finds something better. They technically aren't dating, as he so bluntly put it to everbody else who knows, except her...sadly...so it is only a matter of time before he finds some other bimbo to bang on the side which will then set into motion her going nuts on him...

Which I have found to not be 100% the fault of the girl...

I think a big part of the problem is him! I say this based on the reasons that he is so fucking romantic with all the girls he is with. I mean, roses, fuck! While he may want to get into their pants, he just needs to look at them in the dirtiest way possible and he's set.

Fuck flowers!

I feel bad for these women who are then deemed "crazy" or "psycho" when really he brings it upon himself. He doesn't see it and says that he is simply "treating a woman how she should be treated"...but when you do this to every woman you just use for sex, they're going to be thinking the exact opposite, which hurts both of them in the long run, sadly.

I think this situation is very fucked up and shitty, but honestly, he needs to see what it's like first hand and you know how much I love karma.....it'll happen, just wait. I've predicted it before, so it'll happen again. It just takes some time...but I really hope I'm either around or hear about it in great detail.

The good thing though is that I personally did not freak out on him in anyway that could be deemed crazy or psycho, which is actually refreshing to know.

My sister suddenly reappeared into my family's and my lives. She suddenly realized that her 'friend' Erica was using her for her money and that she could get out of a bad situation. My parents helped her get into an apartment and helped her with her furniture/moving in...but now she doesn't want anything to do with us in regards to helping her, which is not really making anybody in my family happy since that's all they want to do for her. It doesn't help that she's not on her meds and smoking....but I hope it eventually clicks for her....and hey, my mom DID say that I was as bad as her when I went through my retaliation period...so that at least means she'll learn...even if it takes her like.....2 more years.

Looking back on my romantic/relationship history, I realized that I did get that way sometimes with men, but it was mainly because I didn't understand things, and now I feel like I have a much better hold on things regarding men and dating, which is really nice to know.

I feel stronger, smarter and more independent than my male counterpart and that just makes me better at the game in that regard. 8-)

I feel more secure with who I am and I constantly find myself reminiscing over the past 4 years of my college life. It is really amazing to me to think about what I have been through and what I have done. I honestly can't believe it has gone by this fast. I never thought I would have gotten here this quick..!

It is nice to get here though, but it's a constant reminder that I'm getting older and that I'm getting ready to experience a whole new chapter in my life. I'm not sure if I'm more scared or excited to be quite honest. Graduate school sounds so intimidating, but then again I felt the same way about freshman year.

I only have good thoughts, wishes, desires, and hopes for the next portion of my life and everything that comes along with it. I'm really interested to see what happens and I only hope I can learn and grow more.

Tying back to previous entries, I still feel like I am in a stand still...and I think I have figured it out...

A lot of things in my life are undetermined or have not yet revealed or completed themselves. I have not begun to move forward yet because I am not yet in a position to...which kind of sucks, but the anticipation is definitely nice.

I only want good things for myself, especially since this year hasn't started off so great for me.

With the band thing falling apart and me feeling in an awkward place in my life, I'm not really sure which direction to go towards anymore. Part of me feels as if something drastic is going to happen, which is exciting yet scary, but I hope something happens before I lose it!