Happy Christmas....and a Merry New Year...?

Being sick is a bitch....and I'm finally getting over it thank God.

Tonsils swollen to the point of where it covers half of my throat...oh and some pus to top it off..

SEXY..

The good thing is that I went to the doctor right away this time instead of waiting 3-4 days like I did the last time..when I fainted at work..yay me.

Now I get to take these pills that have this powdery residue on them whenever I touch them...OR put them in my mouth.

And talk about a bad after taste..

Can't I just take shots of hard liquor instead?

Oh and nasal spray...which isn't that bad.

Things are getting scary.

Money wise specifically....I'm not really sure as to what I'm going to do for rent this month..I'm thinking I'll have to ask my parents for some money to help with rent and then just hold on until my payout comes in...or my next paycheck, whichever comes first.

My stagnant state is continuing unfortunately. Everything is still at a stand still.

I'm not really sure where I am with things and I think it's because I'm getting to that point near graduation and I'm not really sure where I'm headed next..

Things with the band are pretty much the same. I've learned a lot of songs but I'm having a bit of "writer's block" if you will with songs.

I think me tripping out from being sick helped though..

For some reason I was constantly singing Adavant songs over and over again in my head and it was driving me crazy to the point of where I was figuring out different patterns to play.

I haven't practiced in a while but I have a feeling that when I do I'll have at least some material to try to work into the songs.

I really need to try to work on 'Newfound' again...I think I just got really burnt out from learning all those songs as fast as I did and I ran out of juice for the moment. It'll come back I'm sure of it.

I cooked food for a boy tonight which is odd because I never cook for anybody. I'm still not sure what to think about him.

We watched 'Yellow Submarine' and ate hamburgers mmmmm

I didn't know what to do with the leftover meat so I threw it away because to thaw it I put it in a pot of hot water which kind of cooked it, so I figured it wouldn't be any good.

Then he calls me up 45 minutes later and says that we should have dinner tomorrow night and use the leftover meat......

Picture me digging through the trash to find it.

IT'S OKAY

It was in a Ziploc bag!!

Dec 23rd was interesting..

Went to Zoo Lights with the guys from the band...drank afterwards..then threw up...yay for drinking on an empty stomach!...but hey, for the record, I drank the same amount as our bassist and he threw up as well so HA! I CAN HOLD MY LIQUOR!

There were 8 of us.

He was there...bothered the hell out of because so was she.

I don't know why it continues to bother me when I'm done with it, put it behind me.

I think I'm more upset at other people's happiness then anything...or that I find her extremely annoying..one of the two..maybe both...eh...not sure.

Anyway....they were there...together...all over each other.

The body language was interesting...him facing away, her arms around him head on his back.

Like that doesn't say something...

I give it a couple more weeks...she seems like the clingy/crazy type..it'll come out..it's just a matter of time.

I say once a new girl presents herself, things will change for them...especially since they're not official.

I'm keeping my distance, trying to not get irritated by all of this...and it's hard.

I feel better everyday but it's just irritating to watch someone in a sense "get away" with doing something shitty to someone else.

Something good did come out of it.

I slept with his best friend...hehe

But I did it because I wanted to. He's a nice guy, makes me laugh and has manners.

He's a deep, sincere, caring guy and I find that really attractive. He makes a woman feel wanted and pays attention to you when you're around. He doesn't pretend you're not there when other people are. It's a nice feeling.

I'm not sure what to think about it though because the last time I saw him was after the hang out with everybody at the place he was house sitting at.

And he kissed me. Totally sober...and it was nice, like a real, 'I mean this' kiss.

Yeah, totally unclear about that shit....

I'm pretty sure once everybody comes back for the band and I see him again things will get talked about....maybe.

Christmas was okay...got a vacuum, pots/pans/DVDs..

Nothing amazing but eh, I really didn't say what I wanted.

My dad called my sister today...he asked her for an apology/explanation..

She told him that she doesn't have to tell him anything.

I'm really disappointed in her..it's sad too.

I remember when I was younger and I secretly sometimes wished that she was never born and that it was only me, my brother and younger sister. It kind of feels like I got what I wished for now..and I hate it.

I never meant it, I mean, as a kid we all sometimes wish our parents were dead or our siblings were never born, but we never do actually mean it and it's one of those things that when it happens it scares you.

A big part of me hopes she realizes her mistakes and faces the reality of them, but I don't think that will happen for a very long time.

Things are going to catch up to her VERY soon, and it's coming a lot sooner than she thinks it is.

I start winter session tomorrow....5 days a week, 3 hours a day, 3 weeks...1 class

It better be worth it.

Oh, and I got a vibrator for Christmas.

Best. Gift. EVAR.

Looking back...

Well, I think it's safe to say another chapter of my life is coming to a close and a new one is getting ready to start....the only question is, am I ready?

This next year of my life is going to be different. It's going to change the person I am right now and will help develop me into the person I hope to be.

A better, stronger, more intelligent ME.

It makes me kind of sad to think about this past year and everything that came along with it.

I remember New Years.

I remember breaking up with my boyfriend of 1.6 years....and how we later fought for the following 7 months.

I remember doing summer school....ugh

I remember my 21st birthday...sort of.. :)

I remember this semester (unfortunately).

I remember making new friends and losing touch with old ones.

I remember joining an awesome band which I'm still in.

I remember bitchy roommates and awesome roommates.

I remember births and deaths.

I remember new experiences.

I remember dreams being born and being destroyed.

I remember the Morning Ritual and continue on my quest to get Adam Carolla off the air (asshole)..

I remember boys...so many boys...mistakes but fun mistakes..

Wow, many, MANY memories..

It's nice to think back on this year as probably one of my best. I really did change a lot more this year than probably any year in college so far, and I'm happy with how I turned out to be quite honest.

I had my share of issues and fails, but you have to in order to change for the good. The important thing is to keep moving forward.

And by the way, I am NOT looking forward to winter session....ew

A boy cooked me dinner tonight...that was interesting..I was surprised that chivalry is still existing in this world...let alone this state.

It was a nice evening and we're going to hang out again....I'm not sure how I feel about him though..

To be perfectly honest, I don't feel a spark, but more of a guyfriend spark than anything else.

I'm all for giving people a chance, so I won't be a bitch about it.

Ah, boys, they drive me crazy.....and don't even get me started on the one that still drives me crazy.


In my opinion, things haven't gotten better...things feel so stagnant and stale that it hurts to breathe the air around him....

I'm constantly reminded of him wherever I go and I hate it.

I'm done with it. I'm done with him. It hurts to feel that feeling of being unwanted and I don't want to feel it anymore.

I hope it passes quickly.

The other night was great. Played some capture the flag (soreness OW, but it was worth it)

Then some charades.....with pictionary cards...so much fun though.

I'm getting better, I can tell. I just hate being reminded of something that I thought was good and can no longer have. It's painful.

Christmas is here. eh

No word from my sister. I haven't talked to her in about a week. My mom saw her at her job and told her how she felt.

I feel bad for my mom. Cancer's a bitch and she doesn't need the stress of someone else put upon her like she has.

It'll work out....eventually......................I hope.

Music is okay....I'm a little stressed out because I feel like I'm getting worse with playing. I need to learn more songs. It's really hard to focus sometimes.

I hope that I can pull it together.

If anything, I feel at a standstill in the band especially since the "falling out" I had.

Things have been weird ever since that fucking day....and people wonder why I don't have a lot of girlfriends....so annoying.

Things are weird between us and continue to be and it just annoys the hell out of me.

I really need to start thinking like a guy again and get out of this whole emotional bullshit.

I hate that I'm like that sometimes but it comes out and it drives me insane.

Some things I want to do for this New Year:

1. Get better at playing violin

2. Learn more songs

3. Work out more

4. Do well in school/graduate

5. Be more carefree

6. Get my braces off (ahhhhhhhh!)

I know I can do it.

I'm Having a Shitty Man Week

I think this is probably the best way to get all of my current emotions and thoughts out.

I'm fidgety, irritated, wondering why people do what they do, guys mainly.

I just want to shake them until they see my dilemma and make me understand their goals and reasons for what they do...and sometimes WHO they do.

I'm upset at my current situation and wonder sometimes if what I had said or done was the wrong thing and then I realize, I'm getting caught up over some guy.

Who is:

An alcoholic

A giant tool

Insecure

Unsure of himself

A smoker

An asshole

So why am I always contemplating, always scrutinizing, always getting worked up over something as pathetic as him?

Sadly, I think it's because I have feelings for him..


Scary.

I also think part of it is because I haven't had a relationship in a really long time and it felt nice to be with someone and have them tell you that they liked you....what sucks are the repercussions of falling for their bullshit and lies and finding out you're just another notch in their belt. I hate that.

I'm all for living life and exploring, but not the point of where you leave a trail of hurt feelings and pissed off/upset people. That's not cool.

I have always viewed my take on relationships as one person at a time. If I'm interesting in someone, I'll devote my energy to them. If they reciprocate, then cool, if not I'll look elsewhere. It also depends on the circumstance...for instance, if the guy I'm seeing is someone who I don't constantly see and we're cool with each other, then I'll see who I want, no big deal.

But...if I like someone and see them often, then I will devote my time to them, again if they reciprocate. I think that's nice how it works out....unfortunately, guys are not like this sometimes.

I'm not sure what bothers me more..the fact that he doesn't like me anymore (I think?) and that he just used me for what he wanted, or that he's slowly accumulating a mass amount of groupies who could easily recreate a Jerry Springer episode if needed on the spot.

Actually, I would love to see that last part....crazy bitches pulling each others hair out over some lame guy. haha...sweet

I've had this discussion with many people and it just irks me the more I talk about it and irks me more the less I talk about it. So what do I do?

I pour my thoughts out online with the hope that I'll feel better...which I kind of do already.

I'm not sure what he's thinking, not sure what he's planning on doing next, not sure if he even has a small amount of feeling left, but I do know that he will not find happiness with random girls that he meets and bangs. They may make him happy for the moment, but it doesn't replace that empty feeling he has on the inside.

I feel bad for him, I really do. He doesn't seem to know what he wants or how to be 100% happy with how things are going and he's unsure about how to approach many things, especially in a social setting.

He's a very smart guy, but not being socially adept helps screw him over in the long run.

I think I just need to find a distraction to help me get through this awkward time....that's the biggest thing, I'm not totally sure how to handle it or what to really do.

And he promised it wouldn't get confusing...yeah RIGHT. Thanks for that lie.

I keep going over in my head where I went wrong...but I'm done doing that. I'm starting anew. I know I'm not a crazy person, I have emotions just like everybody does.

I say to hell with it!

Let him be off in his sick sad little world where he leaves girls who desire love with nothing but a convincing smile and a heart that contains nothing more than a hollow, dark emptiness.

I think for the most part, I have played this one pretty smart as I have been myself, got some fun out of it and remained sane.

I had a slight bit of jealousy shine through, but it wasn't something that was as bad as I've seen from other girls.

I tried to make it humorous, but boys are dumb and think we're all crazy...ugh...oh well.


I just don't see the need in dealing with it...so I'm not going to..the ball's in his court. I just hope he plays it smart....