I'm Having a Shitty Man Week

I think this is probably the best way to get all of my current emotions and thoughts out.

I'm fidgety, irritated, wondering why people do what they do, guys mainly.

I just want to shake them until they see my dilemma and make me understand their goals and reasons for what they do...and sometimes WHO they do.

I'm upset at my current situation and wonder sometimes if what I had said or done was the wrong thing and then I realize, I'm getting caught up over some guy.

Who is:

An alcoholic

A giant tool

Insecure

Unsure of himself

A smoker

An asshole

So why am I always contemplating, always scrutinizing, always getting worked up over something as pathetic as him?

Sadly, I think it's because I have feelings for him..


Scary.

I also think part of it is because I haven't had a relationship in a really long time and it felt nice to be with someone and have them tell you that they liked you....what sucks are the repercussions of falling for their bullshit and lies and finding out you're just another notch in their belt. I hate that.

I'm all for living life and exploring, but not the point of where you leave a trail of hurt feelings and pissed off/upset people. That's not cool.

I have always viewed my take on relationships as one person at a time. If I'm interesting in someone, I'll devote my energy to them. If they reciprocate, then cool, if not I'll look elsewhere. It also depends on the circumstance...for instance, if the guy I'm seeing is someone who I don't constantly see and we're cool with each other, then I'll see who I want, no big deal.

But...if I like someone and see them often, then I will devote my time to them, again if they reciprocate. I think that's nice how it works out....unfortunately, guys are not like this sometimes.

I'm not sure what bothers me more..the fact that he doesn't like me anymore (I think?) and that he just used me for what he wanted, or that he's slowly accumulating a mass amount of groupies who could easily recreate a Jerry Springer episode if needed on the spot.

Actually, I would love to see that last part....crazy bitches pulling each others hair out over some lame guy. haha...sweet

I've had this discussion with many people and it just irks me the more I talk about it and irks me more the less I talk about it. So what do I do?

I pour my thoughts out online with the hope that I'll feel better...which I kind of do already.

I'm not sure what he's thinking, not sure what he's planning on doing next, not sure if he even has a small amount of feeling left, but I do know that he will not find happiness with random girls that he meets and bangs. They may make him happy for the moment, but it doesn't replace that empty feeling he has on the inside.

I feel bad for him, I really do. He doesn't seem to know what he wants or how to be 100% happy with how things are going and he's unsure about how to approach many things, especially in a social setting.

He's a very smart guy, but not being socially adept helps screw him over in the long run.

I think I just need to find a distraction to help me get through this awkward time....that's the biggest thing, I'm not totally sure how to handle it or what to really do.

And he promised it wouldn't get confusing...yeah RIGHT. Thanks for that lie.

I keep going over in my head where I went wrong...but I'm done doing that. I'm starting anew. I know I'm not a crazy person, I have emotions just like everybody does.

I say to hell with it!

Let him be off in his sick sad little world where he leaves girls who desire love with nothing but a convincing smile and a heart that contains nothing more than a hollow, dark emptiness.

I think for the most part, I have played this one pretty smart as I have been myself, got some fun out of it and remained sane.

I had a slight bit of jealousy shine through, but it wasn't something that was as bad as I've seen from other girls.

I tried to make it humorous, but boys are dumb and think we're all crazy...ugh...oh well.


I just don't see the need in dealing with it...so I'm not going to..the ball's in his court. I just hope he plays it smart....