This is the second time this has happened....in a row.
I can't sleep.
I've been tossing and turning for the past 2 nights, and I don't know why.
It might be that I'm anxious to move out of my apartment and into my new one.
Maybe it's money issues....
Maybe it's because my sleep schedule is out of wack....I don't know.
I feel really restless, and it's almost like a chore to go to sleep.
I'm not really sure as to what I should do or be doing to make myself feel tired, but something needs to happen, fast.
I miss sleeping..it's like those commercials with the beaver and Abraham Lincoln. I miss my dreams.
I started thinking about graduation tonight while I was lying in bed.
I thought about my great-grandpa and how he was there watching me graduate and then I started thinking about his old house with the huge living room that seemed to stretch for miles. My room with the giant entertainment unit that had all my toys, movies and t.v....my bed that I never slept in because I loved to sleep with my great-grandpa and grandma.
I thought about the bar that connected to the living room and how mysterious it always was. It felt like you were in another time sitting or standing by the bar. It was really interesting.
The living room was one of my favorites. It had the carpet that bit at my toes and sent shivers down my spine because it never fully connected to the edges of the walls and doors. The big lounge chair that I always sat in with my grandpa and how I would sit there and drink coke out of a tall shot glass and pretend that I was a high-class woman....while I watched Thomas the Tank Engine and ate Kit Kats.
My favorite was my grandpa's room. His bed was so big and I would always get told the next morning at breakfast that I was kicking both of my grandparents throughout the night...even though I always slept great. I remembered getting my lunch in the kitchen and going out through the kitchen door to the driveway where it was covered in gravel.
I miss that house so much....it makes me sad to think that I haven't seen it in so long. I miss my great-grandpa so much it hurts to think about it. I don't know if it's because I'm feeling odd as of lately but, it does.
I feel like I'm in a really weird place right now...it's almost like I'm fed up with how things are going.
I'm hating my job, broke and not really sure what to do with myself.
I'm hoping that things will get better once I'm all moved. I have so many ideas that I think they're the real reason why I'm not getting any sleep. I have so many things I want to do with my new apartment and I feel like I have so little time.
My mom doesn't know I'm selling my living room set, and I'm not really sure as to how I'm going to tell her, if I even do that is. I mean, she can't really expect me to keep this furniture for the rest of my life. Sure, it's high end stuff, but honestly, I don't feel like rocking the whole "southwestern theme" until I'm old enough to actually relate to it.
I decided that I wanted some more change today. After careful consideration at my dislike of my recently changed hair color (and by that I mean yesterday) aka it did not come out looking very different at ALL....I went red.
It's SO red...it's like, a cherry wood color. It's pretty. I like it.
I'm trying to make myself into an even better person. Job hunting is miserable as always. Too many scams and people trying to get college students into commission based work. It's lame...I hope I can find something...there was a great job for SRP but I don't know if I'm 100% qualified...but we'll see.
Alright, I'm going to try this sleep thing again................
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
I Want It All
Well, I will say this...A LOT has happened since the last posting...
From where I'm at now, things have definitely changed, but I still am feeling rather stuck with a lot of things in my life.
School is going well. I made it through with 1 'A' and the rest 'B's. Whoo!
My GPA isn't too great which pisses me off...but my actually college grade in my degree is awesome...! Too bad it's all cumulative...argh
The ceremony was awesome! Obama spoke and it was great....I mean, yeah I sat out in the heat for seven hours and almost DIED...but it was definitely something I'll always remember.
The actual graduation the next day was great....a lot of money, food and proud friends and family....I like that feeling of people recognizing me as a hard worker. I started thinking about my first graduation from H.S. and realized that this time around with my college graduation I have more to celebrate than I did four years ago.
Four years ago...I was pregnant and 17. I was all set up to go to ASU and almost blew it because I got knocked up by some loser who from what I heard is continuing to be a giant douchebag with no goals in his life whatsoever.
I almost threw my entire life away.........I mean, it could have turned out differently and I probably would still have made it through, but I find myself thinking about if I had had a kid and what kind of complications would have arisen from that....I don't know, that just bothers me because it's a weird thing to graduate and have people be proud of you and not be upset because you're knocked up with some loser's baby.
Anyways...haha
I got lots of money...whooo! Which then helped me get a new computer, which I am currently using :-) I got a really good deal on it and it even has a webcam, which is great considering I spent $429 on it...WIN
I'm using my old computer as a gaming computer which is AWESOME because now I can play all my Sims games on it, which is amazing in its own element because I freaking love that game :-)......but however, it is temporarily out of my possession since my roommate left for her field camp and asked to bring it so she can type up papers...and play a shit ton of Sims....oh well....I should probably be doing more motivating things than playing Sims as it is anyway.
Living with Melanie is going good. We're actually moving to a newer, BETTER apartment for numerous reasons...better rent, washer/dryer IN the unit, more space and WAAAAAY cheaper than before which is fucking fantastic. We're both really excited.... I mean, I was so excited that I packed up EVERYTHING I don't need in like, 20 minutes and we're not moving for another week haha
Oh well, at least it's all done and I don't have to worry about it.
I've found myself getting rather irritated at a lot going on in my life.....from work, to people to even myself.
Let's start with work.........I'm DONE with it.
I honestly cannot take anymore bullshit that goes on there and I want a new job IMMEDIATELY.
I am through with putting up with bullshit from people who unlike me, do not have a fucking degree in their possession. I mean, I know I have like, three summer courses left, but honestly, those will be over in less than two months, so they can SUCK it.
My job has not been doing anything for me lately and I feel ignored, mainly due to the douchebag that my boss just hired....who randomly disappeared, which is really weird. The good part is that he's going to be gone for 5-6 months, which gives us girls plenty of time to show that we do not need him and his "experience". Dude, fuck that guy...he can go shoot up some more meth for all I care.
FUCK HIM.
It really bothers me that my boss has pulled this favoratism bullshit with all of us considering we were perfectly fine before and we cannot afford to hire another person when we do not have enough hours to give as it IS.
I mean, now I'm full time and next semester I'm going to be doing classes at night anyways, so there really is no need to worry....but knowing my boss, she'll be the cunt that she is and still bring him back anyways to "help". The only thing that he helps with is increasing my desire to have headaches and vomit. That's all he's good for.
My bff calls him "meth face"...which he REALLy does look like...ugh ew
Ever since he went away, I've been looking on Career Builder determined to find a better job, especially now since I have a degree....almost.
I applied to A LOT of jobs over the past couple days, and was disappointed to find out that a couple were scams..FML
I know I can find something and I hope that it comes to me really quickly because I want to be out of Eyemasters by the time the douchebag comes back, because I do not think I can stand him much longer.
There are some other things that have been bothering me as well....some friends have been getting on my nerves in regards to me giving them advice. A friend of mine has been having boyfriend issues for the LONGEST fucking time, and all I tell her to do is to step out of the situation and leave him for a while, or at least distance herself so they can get a better hold on their relationship.
She hasn't listened to me EVER and it has constantly been pissing me off....fortunately, she has started to listen and is even in the process of looking for another place to live (temporarily at least, but hey it's a start).
Another thing is that she works with me, and constantly bitches about her hours and how much they suck......I get so annoyed I give her some of my hours...which I've come to realize is really lazy of me and looking back on it, I deserve those hours. I have a feeling I'm going to be A LOT more real with her and start telling her to shut the fuck up and get over it or get out because I'm sick of hearing about it. She gave me some hours to cover for her on Tues, so I'm not as upset anymore, but I'm not going to be a pushover just to get her to shut up anymore.
As far as myself, I am very disappointed. I feel like I have no initiative and am not at where I want to be right now.
I'm doing pretty well in school, which I'm glad about, and I'll be done soon.
The main thing I'm upset about is that I haven't been to the gym in months and it's costing me $15 to go, when I'm not even going. I feel and even look like I'm gaining weight and I have a bad feeling that it's only a matter of time before my thighs are touching so much that they don't even swish past each other anymore.
I don't know why I feel so unmotivated, but I am. I guess the treadmill pisses me off and I'm not great at figuring out a good routine that I like. I really don't feel like getting a personal trainer because that will cost me more than the actual gym membership, but something needs to be done.
I made a promise to myself at the beginning of summer, and that was to go back to the gym and start working out like I used to. I guess I have this huge pathetic feeling going to the gym especially since I'm never able to see results in myself or on my body.
Amber Hann has been pissing me off SO much lately. She used to go to my H.S. and we played softball together. She's a huge Bible thumper and constantly updates her FB like it's fucking Twitter (which can go fuck itself).
She constantly talks about how fucking "blessed" she is to have such a wonderful husband and life and how God provided it for her and blah blah blah Jesus is a Jew whatever stfu.
I don't know why, but I find a sort of sick pleasure from reading her ridiculous updates and remind myself that I'm not a fucking square, and I'm glad.
But...lately I've been noticing that she's been going to the gym with her husband and she HAS been losing weight that is being noticed in how her clothes fit her, and that really pisses me off.
I have always been a really motivated, strong person, and it kills me that my own body is my own worst enemy. I know that we as people are our harshest critics, but I know I do not exactly take the greatest care of my body and it kills me.
I've tackled a lot in my life but I've never been able to conquer my own body and make it into something that I want.
I don't know if it is pure laziness or the fact that I love food WAY too much, but something needs to be done about it.
I know that I love to stay up late and wake up late (as I type this at 1:38am)...and I think that little thing kills me.
I'm always wanting to sleep and I eat shit food throughout the day sometimes.
Sometimes I'm really good about eating healthy and I'll bring something to work for lunch that's not fast food, but when I wake up late or forget to bring a lunch, then that's when I eat unhealthy, and I hate it.
I really do not like salads, but I think that I need to start eating them in order to get myself into a better position with myself in both mind and body. I think I have been putting off going to work out because I'd rather stay at home and eat than go out and show the world that I am an unhealthy person and cannot manage to lose weight no matter what I do.
I know it's going to be REALLY hard and really tough, but I'm one of those people who would rather pop diet pills than run for a half hour... (I honestly hate it and wonder how I even did it for those three weeks I went to the gym for four days a fucking week).
I also have to remember what was going on during that week too that killed my motivation...the band cut me out and I was depressed in the way of a break up.
It killed me.
I felt so lost considering this was something that was a part of my life in a way that took up so much of my creativity and energy, and to have that yanked away made it so I wasn't able to function or think.
It's been a while since that whole incident, but it gets really hard sometimes especially since my roommate IS dating the lead singer. I felt really betrayed, but from what I've been hearing, they too have lost their desire to practice as much as they were before, which is really interesting considering they were so damn passionate about the whole project in the first place.
I've decided to set some goals for myself this summer and am hoping that they'll work out. If so, then I think I will help lift myself out of this funk that I'm currently in with...well EVERYTHING.
1. Work out more...if at ALL. I'm sick of sleeping in...well, not really, but yeah. I want to get toned and actually lose weight. I want to eat healthier and show people that I am someone to be recognized.
2. I want to get all 'A's in my summer courses. I'm worried about Grad school and actually getting into it. I have an okay GPA but it could be WAY better and I know getting 'A's would definitely help it big time.
3. I want a better fucking job, one that pays and treats me better than the schmucks at Eyemasters. It is definitely good experience, but it's not something I want to make a career out of. Whenever patients ask me if I want to be an optometrist or move "forward with my career here", I seriously want to look at them and be like, "Why so I can stay here for the rest of my fucking life and deal with people like you and get treated like crap? No." Too bad honestly isn't appreciated at Eyemasters where their slogan should be "No fun allowed" as my coworkers so omniously state all the time.
4. I want to go SOMEWHERE for my birthday damn it!!! I didn't get to go anywhere last year and that kind of pissed me off. I haven't had a damn vacation in years and I'm pissed off. My family goes to things all the time and I'm about done with putting up with not getting to do anything. I have worked hard for the last four years to get to where I am and I hate not having money or getting the opportunity like the rest of my friends to go out and visit Europe...but oh wait, they get money from their parents. Fuck them.
I think that if I can make these things happen for me this summer, then I can definitely get somewhere in my life where I can appreciate myself and more accomplishment in my life. I have felt pretty useless in college and I hate to admit that to myself, but it's the truth. I wish I had made more out of my college career. I wish I had joined a sorority, I wish I would have branched out, worked out, met new people instead of dealing with people who aren't motivated to go in a direction that makes them into stronger, better people. I know of maybe only one person like that and I'm glad I at least have them.
The only question I have to all of this, is why am I so UNmotivated?
What is stopping me from achieving what I want in life?
What is stopping me from starting the next chapter of my life?
After my move, I plan on making significant changes in my life. I want to become this better person and I want to be acknowledged. I'm sick of sitting on the sidelines not bothering to get up and change the view of myself.
I want change and I want it now.
From where I'm at now, things have definitely changed, but I still am feeling rather stuck with a lot of things in my life.
School is going well. I made it through with 1 'A' and the rest 'B's. Whoo!
My GPA isn't too great which pisses me off...but my actually college grade in my degree is awesome...! Too bad it's all cumulative...argh
The ceremony was awesome! Obama spoke and it was great....I mean, yeah I sat out in the heat for seven hours and almost DIED...but it was definitely something I'll always remember.
The actual graduation the next day was great....a lot of money, food and proud friends and family....I like that feeling of people recognizing me as a hard worker. I started thinking about my first graduation from H.S. and realized that this time around with my college graduation I have more to celebrate than I did four years ago.
Four years ago...I was pregnant and 17. I was all set up to go to ASU and almost blew it because I got knocked up by some loser who from what I heard is continuing to be a giant douchebag with no goals in his life whatsoever.
I almost threw my entire life away.........I mean, it could have turned out differently and I probably would still have made it through, but I find myself thinking about if I had had a kid and what kind of complications would have arisen from that....I don't know, that just bothers me because it's a weird thing to graduate and have people be proud of you and not be upset because you're knocked up with some loser's baby.
Anyways...haha
I got lots of money...whooo! Which then helped me get a new computer, which I am currently using :-) I got a really good deal on it and it even has a webcam, which is great considering I spent $429 on it...WIN
I'm using my old computer as a gaming computer which is AWESOME because now I can play all my Sims games on it, which is amazing in its own element because I freaking love that game :-)......but however, it is temporarily out of my possession since my roommate left for her field camp and asked to bring it so she can type up papers...and play a shit ton of Sims....oh well....I should probably be doing more motivating things than playing Sims as it is anyway.
Living with Melanie is going good. We're actually moving to a newer, BETTER apartment for numerous reasons...better rent, washer/dryer IN the unit, more space and WAAAAAY cheaper than before which is fucking fantastic. We're both really excited.... I mean, I was so excited that I packed up EVERYTHING I don't need in like, 20 minutes and we're not moving for another week haha
Oh well, at least it's all done and I don't have to worry about it.
I've found myself getting rather irritated at a lot going on in my life.....from work, to people to even myself.
Let's start with work.........I'm DONE with it.
I honestly cannot take anymore bullshit that goes on there and I want a new job IMMEDIATELY.
I am through with putting up with bullshit from people who unlike me, do not have a fucking degree in their possession. I mean, I know I have like, three summer courses left, but honestly, those will be over in less than two months, so they can SUCK it.
My job has not been doing anything for me lately and I feel ignored, mainly due to the douchebag that my boss just hired....who randomly disappeared, which is really weird. The good part is that he's going to be gone for 5-6 months, which gives us girls plenty of time to show that we do not need him and his "experience". Dude, fuck that guy...he can go shoot up some more meth for all I care.
FUCK HIM.
It really bothers me that my boss has pulled this favoratism bullshit with all of us considering we were perfectly fine before and we cannot afford to hire another person when we do not have enough hours to give as it IS.
I mean, now I'm full time and next semester I'm going to be doing classes at night anyways, so there really is no need to worry....but knowing my boss, she'll be the cunt that she is and still bring him back anyways to "help". The only thing that he helps with is increasing my desire to have headaches and vomit. That's all he's good for.
My bff calls him "meth face"...which he REALLy does look like...ugh ew
Ever since he went away, I've been looking on Career Builder determined to find a better job, especially now since I have a degree....almost.
I applied to A LOT of jobs over the past couple days, and was disappointed to find out that a couple were scams..FML
I know I can find something and I hope that it comes to me really quickly because I want to be out of Eyemasters by the time the douchebag comes back, because I do not think I can stand him much longer.
There are some other things that have been bothering me as well....some friends have been getting on my nerves in regards to me giving them advice. A friend of mine has been having boyfriend issues for the LONGEST fucking time, and all I tell her to do is to step out of the situation and leave him for a while, or at least distance herself so they can get a better hold on their relationship.
She hasn't listened to me EVER and it has constantly been pissing me off....fortunately, she has started to listen and is even in the process of looking for another place to live (temporarily at least, but hey it's a start).
Another thing is that she works with me, and constantly bitches about her hours and how much they suck......I get so annoyed I give her some of my hours...which I've come to realize is really lazy of me and looking back on it, I deserve those hours. I have a feeling I'm going to be A LOT more real with her and start telling her to shut the fuck up and get over it or get out because I'm sick of hearing about it. She gave me some hours to cover for her on Tues, so I'm not as upset anymore, but I'm not going to be a pushover just to get her to shut up anymore.
As far as myself, I am very disappointed. I feel like I have no initiative and am not at where I want to be right now.
I'm doing pretty well in school, which I'm glad about, and I'll be done soon.
The main thing I'm upset about is that I haven't been to the gym in months and it's costing me $15 to go, when I'm not even going. I feel and even look like I'm gaining weight and I have a bad feeling that it's only a matter of time before my thighs are touching so much that they don't even swish past each other anymore.
I don't know why I feel so unmotivated, but I am. I guess the treadmill pisses me off and I'm not great at figuring out a good routine that I like. I really don't feel like getting a personal trainer because that will cost me more than the actual gym membership, but something needs to be done.
I made a promise to myself at the beginning of summer, and that was to go back to the gym and start working out like I used to. I guess I have this huge pathetic feeling going to the gym especially since I'm never able to see results in myself or on my body.
Amber Hann has been pissing me off SO much lately. She used to go to my H.S. and we played softball together. She's a huge Bible thumper and constantly updates her FB like it's fucking Twitter (which can go fuck itself).
She constantly talks about how fucking "blessed" she is to have such a wonderful husband and life and how God provided it for her and blah blah blah Jesus is a Jew whatever stfu.
I don't know why, but I find a sort of sick pleasure from reading her ridiculous updates and remind myself that I'm not a fucking square, and I'm glad.
But...lately I've been noticing that she's been going to the gym with her husband and she HAS been losing weight that is being noticed in how her clothes fit her, and that really pisses me off.
I have always been a really motivated, strong person, and it kills me that my own body is my own worst enemy. I know that we as people are our harshest critics, but I know I do not exactly take the greatest care of my body and it kills me.
I've tackled a lot in my life but I've never been able to conquer my own body and make it into something that I want.
I don't know if it is pure laziness or the fact that I love food WAY too much, but something needs to be done about it.
I know that I love to stay up late and wake up late (as I type this at 1:38am)...and I think that little thing kills me.
I'm always wanting to sleep and I eat shit food throughout the day sometimes.
Sometimes I'm really good about eating healthy and I'll bring something to work for lunch that's not fast food, but when I wake up late or forget to bring a lunch, then that's when I eat unhealthy, and I hate it.
I really do not like salads, but I think that I need to start eating them in order to get myself into a better position with myself in both mind and body. I think I have been putting off going to work out because I'd rather stay at home and eat than go out and show the world that I am an unhealthy person and cannot manage to lose weight no matter what I do.
I know it's going to be REALLY hard and really tough, but I'm one of those people who would rather pop diet pills than run for a half hour... (I honestly hate it and wonder how I even did it for those three weeks I went to the gym for four days a fucking week).
I also have to remember what was going on during that week too that killed my motivation...the band cut me out and I was depressed in the way of a break up.
It killed me.
I felt so lost considering this was something that was a part of my life in a way that took up so much of my creativity and energy, and to have that yanked away made it so I wasn't able to function or think.
It's been a while since that whole incident, but it gets really hard sometimes especially since my roommate IS dating the lead singer. I felt really betrayed, but from what I've been hearing, they too have lost their desire to practice as much as they were before, which is really interesting considering they were so damn passionate about the whole project in the first place.
I've decided to set some goals for myself this summer and am hoping that they'll work out. If so, then I think I will help lift myself out of this funk that I'm currently in with...well EVERYTHING.
1. Work out more...if at ALL. I'm sick of sleeping in...well, not really, but yeah. I want to get toned and actually lose weight. I want to eat healthier and show people that I am someone to be recognized.
2. I want to get all 'A's in my summer courses. I'm worried about Grad school and actually getting into it. I have an okay GPA but it could be WAY better and I know getting 'A's would definitely help it big time.
3. I want a better fucking job, one that pays and treats me better than the schmucks at Eyemasters. It is definitely good experience, but it's not something I want to make a career out of. Whenever patients ask me if I want to be an optometrist or move "forward with my career here", I seriously want to look at them and be like, "Why so I can stay here for the rest of my fucking life and deal with people like you and get treated like crap? No." Too bad honestly isn't appreciated at Eyemasters where their slogan should be "No fun allowed" as my coworkers so omniously state all the time.
4. I want to go SOMEWHERE for my birthday damn it!!! I didn't get to go anywhere last year and that kind of pissed me off. I haven't had a damn vacation in years and I'm pissed off. My family goes to things all the time and I'm about done with putting up with not getting to do anything. I have worked hard for the last four years to get to where I am and I hate not having money or getting the opportunity like the rest of my friends to go out and visit Europe...but oh wait, they get money from their parents. Fuck them.
I think that if I can make these things happen for me this summer, then I can definitely get somewhere in my life where I can appreciate myself and more accomplishment in my life. I have felt pretty useless in college and I hate to admit that to myself, but it's the truth. I wish I had made more out of my college career. I wish I had joined a sorority, I wish I would have branched out, worked out, met new people instead of dealing with people who aren't motivated to go in a direction that makes them into stronger, better people. I know of maybe only one person like that and I'm glad I at least have them.
The only question I have to all of this, is why am I so UNmotivated?
What is stopping me from achieving what I want in life?
What is stopping me from starting the next chapter of my life?
After my move, I plan on making significant changes in my life. I want to become this better person and I want to be acknowledged. I'm sick of sitting on the sidelines not bothering to get up and change the view of myself.
I want change and I want it now.
Friday, April 3, 2009
FML
Okay things have been....interesting to say the least.
Let's see....where are we...
Well for one, the bff almost died from pneumonia. That was scary.
School is going well. I'm close to a month of graduating and I'm doing really well in all my classes. I just have a bunch of lame ass papers to write and finish up on....*vomit*
Not really looking forward to it but I'm almost there! So close!
And Barack Obama is speaking at my Commencement...ahhhhh it'll be great.
I've been doing a lot better in regards to the band. I'm pretty much over it, it's just hard to see their pictures that they've been posting. It just bothers me to know that I could be in them but I'm not.
Oh well....like I said, trying not to dwell on it.
I've been having dreams about the band, but mainly him. I don't know why and I hate it...
I feel very successful these past 2 weeks. :-)
I worked out 3 times this week AND got a head start on an essay exam. I ended up writing 8 pages. I would have been up all night doing it but it all worked out! :-)
Like I said, very proud of myself *pats back*
I did however......have to climb Camelback Mountain.....FUCK
I did not think it would be as challenging as it was..I mean shit, it looks like Mount Everest compared to 'A' Mountain. I was soooooo tired after I did it...and then I had to go to class..and I'm still sore...2 days later.
Other than school...money matters are driving me crazy. I'm broke and that annoys me..ugh
Hopefully that won't last long seeing as how I am registered for summer classes to finish up for my B.A. in Communication :-D
I'm excited whoooo!
In other good news: I have no STDs. WIN
I got my results back today from my doctor...all I have is a slight bacterial infection (an example would be yeast infection, which I don't have)..and I got some antibiotics to clear it up, so all is well in that area considering I've been nervous about it over the last year or so.
Love life is...lame at the moment. Things aren't too interesting or amazing...I've just been trying to get through school and when I go out all I meet are creepers.
Take for instance last weekend when I met up with one of my friends. We went out to a club and all night long, they were everywhere. One even had the nerve to come up and ass-handle me and try to get me to dance with him. It's like they're all horny zombies who don't understand the word "no". ew
It feels like things in my life are slowing down. I feels like when you pull back the handle on the pinball machine and you get ready to launch the ball, but I'm stuck in the pulled back position and not moving yet.
Family life is okay. I haven't heard from my sister ever since she told me that she doesn't want help from anybody. That's just lame. I mean shit, free groceries? Send them MY way!
My aunt moved back from CO. It's nice having her back here. It almost seems like she was never gone, but she really was.
Work is going okay...I finally made it up to a year!.....unfortunately
Things are starting to go sour at my job. My boss has started to be a pain and randomly gets pissy and acts like it's okay. I don't get it...she bitches at us for doing it and being impolite yet she does it and it's nothing....it's bullshit if you ask me.
I'm HIGHLY considering looking for a new job. I've already posted my resume on the ASU site, so hopefully when I do graduate I'll be able to acquire a better job that pays more and lets me go to graduate school.
Life is okay other than that I guess. I guess I'm waiting for the year to honestly, well, get better. Things haven't been as amazing as I'd like them to be and I'm really hoping for a turn around.
Let's see....where are we...
Well for one, the bff almost died from pneumonia. That was scary.
School is going well. I'm close to a month of graduating and I'm doing really well in all my classes. I just have a bunch of lame ass papers to write and finish up on....*vomit*
Not really looking forward to it but I'm almost there! So close!
And Barack Obama is speaking at my Commencement...ahhhhh it'll be great.
I've been doing a lot better in regards to the band. I'm pretty much over it, it's just hard to see their pictures that they've been posting. It just bothers me to know that I could be in them but I'm not.
Oh well....like I said, trying not to dwell on it.
I've been having dreams about the band, but mainly him. I don't know why and I hate it...
I feel very successful these past 2 weeks. :-)
I worked out 3 times this week AND got a head start on an essay exam. I ended up writing 8 pages. I would have been up all night doing it but it all worked out! :-)
Like I said, very proud of myself *pats back*
I did however......have to climb Camelback Mountain.....FUCK
I did not think it would be as challenging as it was..I mean shit, it looks like Mount Everest compared to 'A' Mountain. I was soooooo tired after I did it...and then I had to go to class..and I'm still sore...2 days later.
Other than school...money matters are driving me crazy. I'm broke and that annoys me..ugh
Hopefully that won't last long seeing as how I am registered for summer classes to finish up for my B.A. in Communication :-D
I'm excited whoooo!
In other good news: I have no STDs. WIN
I got my results back today from my doctor...all I have is a slight bacterial infection (an example would be yeast infection, which I don't have)..and I got some antibiotics to clear it up, so all is well in that area considering I've been nervous about it over the last year or so.
Love life is...lame at the moment. Things aren't too interesting or amazing...I've just been trying to get through school and when I go out all I meet are creepers.
Take for instance last weekend when I met up with one of my friends. We went out to a club and all night long, they were everywhere. One even had the nerve to come up and ass-handle me and try to get me to dance with him. It's like they're all horny zombies who don't understand the word "no". ew
It feels like things in my life are slowing down. I feels like when you pull back the handle on the pinball machine and you get ready to launch the ball, but I'm stuck in the pulled back position and not moving yet.
Family life is okay. I haven't heard from my sister ever since she told me that she doesn't want help from anybody. That's just lame. I mean shit, free groceries? Send them MY way!
My aunt moved back from CO. It's nice having her back here. It almost seems like she was never gone, but she really was.
Work is going okay...I finally made it up to a year!.....unfortunately
Things are starting to go sour at my job. My boss has started to be a pain and randomly gets pissy and acts like it's okay. I don't get it...she bitches at us for doing it and being impolite yet she does it and it's nothing....it's bullshit if you ask me.
I'm HIGHLY considering looking for a new job. I've already posted my resume on the ASU site, so hopefully when I do graduate I'll be able to acquire a better job that pays more and lets me go to graduate school.
Life is okay other than that I guess. I guess I'm waiting for the year to honestly, well, get better. Things haven't been as amazing as I'd like them to be and I'm really hoping for a turn around.
Monday, March 16, 2009
'that that don't kill me...only makes me stronger'
Well, it is sad to say that I am no longer in the band.
Lame SAUCE.........yeah
I haven't written in a while mainly due to the fact that I did not want to accept a lot that has been going on with my life.
I have been ignoring the shitty things I have been going through and pretending they do not exist. I have been doing this by hiding in my room, eating (ugh), and being bitter.
Fortunately, it has not affected school, which is nice.
Let's see...a lot has happened....
Well, the band thing first off. I have basically been cut off. I remember asking if they wanted me to do some work by adding to the EP, but that got shot down very quickly. I knew something was up when that happened and while I said I wanted to say something about it, I have very slowly determined that saying something about it now and trying to defend myself at this point in time is basically, pointless. So I gave up trying to do anything about it and have now been dealing with a 'bad band breakup'.
Honestly, the relationship was awesome. I was playing music again and I felt better as a musician skill wise. I cannot believe I let something like this happen, but honestly I feel that there are a lot of things wrong with how this played out. I think I was not treated fairly in a lot of aspects of the band. I was not included, helped or encouraged in what I deem a positive way...and not getting invited to writing sessions is a big 'fuck you' I like to think.
Like I said, I have come to terms with it that I am out and have no chance of ever doing it again, but it gets really hard to deal with on occasion, like the March 10th show. Wow that was a hard day.....I knew the pictures would be up the following day and that their show would have been simply epic.....I didn't go. I couldn't bring myself to. I felt like I had no business and did not even feel like I was apart of it in anyway. So I stayed home and tried not to think about it when really I just kept thinking about what it would have been like to have played up there with them had I had more help and time and equal treatment as musician.
Like I said, SOOOOO many things wrong with the band. Trust me, I did kick myself for sleeping with him and so many other things, but all I can do right now is move forward. I find it really hard to listen to the music or even look at my violin. It just serves as a painful reminder of what could have been had things been different.
I'm still having a hard time with this, but not as bad as when the inital shock set in. I have had a lot of support since then from friends, but I just find it hard to not be mad at them all, especially since my roommate's boyfriend is the lead singer...but I did find out he voted for me, which is nice to know that at least some people have faith in me afterall.
Since that bomb, my work out schedule was put on a drastic halt. I was doing SO good too!
I was up to 4 days a week and after the band thing I just had no desire to get up or do anything. I slept, lied in bed and felt like shit for about 2 weeks....and then I got sick as fuck.
Thank God for leftover antibiotics! They helped, but then I got sick with something else....I'm honestly considering getting my tonsils out if I get as sick as I did because this is bullshit to deal with. I hate not being able to swallow normally. It BLOWS.
Work has been pissing me off....I'm seriously getting fed up with my manager and her constant nagging/demands that she wants. She's making all the techs and I go through the files to alphabetize, put in boxes, mark the under 21 year olds, it's a freaking nightmare!
There are so many projects which I find it interesting they are just now being told to us....but whatever.
I'm hoping by the time I have my degree that I'll be able to find a better/better paying job that will let me go to graduate school and take classes.
Oh another nice yet stupid thing....argh
I missed the deadline for graduate school.....I blame it on the fact that I was under pressure from the band/winter session. Never....EVER....again...
I did not think the deadline would creep up as it did and I thought I would have received some sort of notification from the school at least. I mean shit! They advertise about random meetings on campus that are fucking stupid, yet they don't tell me about the dealine for graduate school!? Thanks assholes.
But...the GOOD news is that I can apply as a nondegree student so I can at least start taking classes, then get my stuff together to apply for graduate school next Spring...so that worked out at least...and then I can also bump up my GPA more whooo!
In regards to the world of boys...things are sort of...comparable to a drought.
I mean, I did the whole best friend hook up thing a week or 2 ago, but that's about it. There's a new guy who may be on my radar and I'm considering giving it a try....
My ex is driving me CRAZY...he humiliated me at his party for one thing, which I'm still pissed about, but he thinks that after what he did and how we "talked" (meaning, me being in shock from embarrassment) that we're "okay" now. Yeah...no.
So now he's been texting me, trying to talk to me, but all I've been doing is ignoring him. I can't stand him and while I may be able to from time to time, that doesn't mean I want to be friends. I'm way past friends with that kid.
Some interesting stuff happened with him though. The guy who I thought would remember me as the only one who wasn't crazy didn't...and honestly I am pretty glad. He recently found out his latest chick he was doing was in fact CRAZY.
Even after I told him SOOO many times that she was, he refused to get it....that is until after she:
1. Went through his text messages when he wasn't looking
2. Went through his myspace inbox messages when he accidentally left it logged in
3. Had her crazy friend follow him to the pub where he met another band member and I for a drink to make sure he wasn't "screwing some bimbo" as it was put
And she did this all in the name of love and trust for the sake of their relationship....yeah haha you fail you dumb bitch
Honestly, that was probably the funniest thing I have heard relationship wise that I personally know about....and thank GOD because if anything, it was a matter of time and I knew it was coming. She had reached her limit with him (2 months) so I knew it was about that time when she would start freaking out which would only freak him out more.
Things only got worse after that though............he went back to his crazy ex-girlfriend...the one he swore UP and DOWN that would never happen again.
Well, it is only a matter of time with him. My roommate thinks he secretly likes her but doesn't want to admit it......I think he's insecure and is reverting back to a safe place relationship-wise until he finds something better. They technically aren't dating, as he so bluntly put it to everbody else who knows, except her...sadly...so it is only a matter of time before he finds some other bimbo to bang on the side which will then set into motion her going nuts on him...
Which I have found to not be 100% the fault of the girl...
I think a big part of the problem is him! I say this based on the reasons that he is so fucking romantic with all the girls he is with. I mean, roses, fuck! While he may want to get into their pants, he just needs to look at them in the dirtiest way possible and he's set.
Fuck flowers!
I feel bad for these women who are then deemed "crazy" or "psycho" when really he brings it upon himself. He doesn't see it and says that he is simply "treating a woman how she should be treated"...but when you do this to every woman you just use for sex, they're going to be thinking the exact opposite, which hurts both of them in the long run, sadly.
I think this situation is very fucked up and shitty, but honestly, he needs to see what it's like first hand and you know how much I love karma.....it'll happen, just wait. I've predicted it before, so it'll happen again. It just takes some time...but I really hope I'm either around or hear about it in great detail.
The good thing though is that I personally did not freak out on him in anyway that could be deemed crazy or psycho, which is actually refreshing to know.
My sister suddenly reappeared into my family's and my lives. She suddenly realized that her 'friend' Erica was using her for her money and that she could get out of a bad situation. My parents helped her get into an apartment and helped her with her furniture/moving in...but now she doesn't want anything to do with us in regards to helping her, which is not really making anybody in my family happy since that's all they want to do for her. It doesn't help that she's not on her meds and smoking....but I hope it eventually clicks for her....and hey, my mom DID say that I was as bad as her when I went through my retaliation period...so that at least means she'll learn...even if it takes her like.....2 more years.
Looking back on my romantic/relationship history, I realized that I did get that way sometimes with men, but it was mainly because I didn't understand things, and now I feel like I have a much better hold on things regarding men and dating, which is really nice to know.
I feel stronger, smarter and more independent than my male counterpart and that just makes me better at the game in that regard. 8-)
I feel more secure with who I am and I constantly find myself reminiscing over the past 4 years of my college life. It is really amazing to me to think about what I have been through and what I have done. I honestly can't believe it has gone by this fast. I never thought I would have gotten here this quick..!
It is nice to get here though, but it's a constant reminder that I'm getting older and that I'm getting ready to experience a whole new chapter in my life. I'm not sure if I'm more scared or excited to be quite honest. Graduate school sounds so intimidating, but then again I felt the same way about freshman year.
I only have good thoughts, wishes, desires, and hopes for the next portion of my life and everything that comes along with it. I'm really interested to see what happens and I only hope I can learn and grow more.
Tying back to previous entries, I still feel like I am in a stand still...and I think I have figured it out...
A lot of things in my life are undetermined or have not yet revealed or completed themselves. I have not begun to move forward yet because I am not yet in a position to...which kind of sucks, but the anticipation is definitely nice.
I only want good things for myself, especially since this year hasn't started off so great for me.
With the band thing falling apart and me feeling in an awkward place in my life, I'm not really sure which direction to go towards anymore. Part of me feels as if something drastic is going to happen, which is exciting yet scary, but I hope something happens before I lose it!
Lame SAUCE.........yeah
I haven't written in a while mainly due to the fact that I did not want to accept a lot that has been going on with my life.
I have been ignoring the shitty things I have been going through and pretending they do not exist. I have been doing this by hiding in my room, eating (ugh), and being bitter.
Fortunately, it has not affected school, which is nice.
Let's see...a lot has happened....
Well, the band thing first off. I have basically been cut off. I remember asking if they wanted me to do some work by adding to the EP, but that got shot down very quickly. I knew something was up when that happened and while I said I wanted to say something about it, I have very slowly determined that saying something about it now and trying to defend myself at this point in time is basically, pointless. So I gave up trying to do anything about it and have now been dealing with a 'bad band breakup'.
Honestly, the relationship was awesome. I was playing music again and I felt better as a musician skill wise. I cannot believe I let something like this happen, but honestly I feel that there are a lot of things wrong with how this played out. I think I was not treated fairly in a lot of aspects of the band. I was not included, helped or encouraged in what I deem a positive way...and not getting invited to writing sessions is a big 'fuck you' I like to think.
Like I said, I have come to terms with it that I am out and have no chance of ever doing it again, but it gets really hard to deal with on occasion, like the March 10th show. Wow that was a hard day.....I knew the pictures would be up the following day and that their show would have been simply epic.....I didn't go. I couldn't bring myself to. I felt like I had no business and did not even feel like I was apart of it in anyway. So I stayed home and tried not to think about it when really I just kept thinking about what it would have been like to have played up there with them had I had more help and time and equal treatment as musician.
Like I said, SOOOOO many things wrong with the band. Trust me, I did kick myself for sleeping with him and so many other things, but all I can do right now is move forward. I find it really hard to listen to the music or even look at my violin. It just serves as a painful reminder of what could have been had things been different.
I'm still having a hard time with this, but not as bad as when the inital shock set in. I have had a lot of support since then from friends, but I just find it hard to not be mad at them all, especially since my roommate's boyfriend is the lead singer...but I did find out he voted for me, which is nice to know that at least some people have faith in me afterall.
Since that bomb, my work out schedule was put on a drastic halt. I was doing SO good too!
I was up to 4 days a week and after the band thing I just had no desire to get up or do anything. I slept, lied in bed and felt like shit for about 2 weeks....and then I got sick as fuck.
Thank God for leftover antibiotics! They helped, but then I got sick with something else....I'm honestly considering getting my tonsils out if I get as sick as I did because this is bullshit to deal with. I hate not being able to swallow normally. It BLOWS.
Work has been pissing me off....I'm seriously getting fed up with my manager and her constant nagging/demands that she wants. She's making all the techs and I go through the files to alphabetize, put in boxes, mark the under 21 year olds, it's a freaking nightmare!
There are so many projects which I find it interesting they are just now being told to us....but whatever.
I'm hoping by the time I have my degree that I'll be able to find a better/better paying job that will let me go to graduate school and take classes.
Oh another nice yet stupid thing....argh
I missed the deadline for graduate school.....I blame it on the fact that I was under pressure from the band/winter session. Never....EVER....again...
I did not think the deadline would creep up as it did and I thought I would have received some sort of notification from the school at least. I mean shit! They advertise about random meetings on campus that are fucking stupid, yet they don't tell me about the dealine for graduate school!? Thanks assholes.
But...the GOOD news is that I can apply as a nondegree student so I can at least start taking classes, then get my stuff together to apply for graduate school next Spring...so that worked out at least...and then I can also bump up my GPA more whooo!
In regards to the world of boys...things are sort of...comparable to a drought.
I mean, I did the whole best friend hook up thing a week or 2 ago, but that's about it. There's a new guy who may be on my radar and I'm considering giving it a try....
My ex is driving me CRAZY...he humiliated me at his party for one thing, which I'm still pissed about, but he thinks that after what he did and how we "talked" (meaning, me being in shock from embarrassment) that we're "okay" now. Yeah...no.
So now he's been texting me, trying to talk to me, but all I've been doing is ignoring him. I can't stand him and while I may be able to from time to time, that doesn't mean I want to be friends. I'm way past friends with that kid.
Some interesting stuff happened with him though. The guy who I thought would remember me as the only one who wasn't crazy didn't...and honestly I am pretty glad. He recently found out his latest chick he was doing was in fact CRAZY.
Even after I told him SOOO many times that she was, he refused to get it....that is until after she:
1. Went through his text messages when he wasn't looking
2. Went through his myspace inbox messages when he accidentally left it logged in
3. Had her crazy friend follow him to the pub where he met another band member and I for a drink to make sure he wasn't "screwing some bimbo" as it was put
And she did this all in the name of love and trust for the sake of their relationship....yeah haha you fail you dumb bitch
Honestly, that was probably the funniest thing I have heard relationship wise that I personally know about....and thank GOD because if anything, it was a matter of time and I knew it was coming. She had reached her limit with him (2 months) so I knew it was about that time when she would start freaking out which would only freak him out more.
Things only got worse after that though............he went back to his crazy ex-girlfriend...the one he swore UP and DOWN that would never happen again.
Well, it is only a matter of time with him. My roommate thinks he secretly likes her but doesn't want to admit it......I think he's insecure and is reverting back to a safe place relationship-wise until he finds something better. They technically aren't dating, as he so bluntly put it to everbody else who knows, except her...sadly...so it is only a matter of time before he finds some other bimbo to bang on the side which will then set into motion her going nuts on him...
Which I have found to not be 100% the fault of the girl...
I think a big part of the problem is him! I say this based on the reasons that he is so fucking romantic with all the girls he is with. I mean, roses, fuck! While he may want to get into their pants, he just needs to look at them in the dirtiest way possible and he's set.
Fuck flowers!
I feel bad for these women who are then deemed "crazy" or "psycho" when really he brings it upon himself. He doesn't see it and says that he is simply "treating a woman how she should be treated"...but when you do this to every woman you just use for sex, they're going to be thinking the exact opposite, which hurts both of them in the long run, sadly.
I think this situation is very fucked up and shitty, but honestly, he needs to see what it's like first hand and you know how much I love karma.....it'll happen, just wait. I've predicted it before, so it'll happen again. It just takes some time...but I really hope I'm either around or hear about it in great detail.
The good thing though is that I personally did not freak out on him in anyway that could be deemed crazy or psycho, which is actually refreshing to know.
My sister suddenly reappeared into my family's and my lives. She suddenly realized that her 'friend' Erica was using her for her money and that she could get out of a bad situation. My parents helped her get into an apartment and helped her with her furniture/moving in...but now she doesn't want anything to do with us in regards to helping her, which is not really making anybody in my family happy since that's all they want to do for her. It doesn't help that she's not on her meds and smoking....but I hope it eventually clicks for her....and hey, my mom DID say that I was as bad as her when I went through my retaliation period...so that at least means she'll learn...even if it takes her like.....2 more years.
Looking back on my romantic/relationship history, I realized that I did get that way sometimes with men, but it was mainly because I didn't understand things, and now I feel like I have a much better hold on things regarding men and dating, which is really nice to know.
I feel stronger, smarter and more independent than my male counterpart and that just makes me better at the game in that regard. 8-)
I feel more secure with who I am and I constantly find myself reminiscing over the past 4 years of my college life. It is really amazing to me to think about what I have been through and what I have done. I honestly can't believe it has gone by this fast. I never thought I would have gotten here this quick..!
It is nice to get here though, but it's a constant reminder that I'm getting older and that I'm getting ready to experience a whole new chapter in my life. I'm not sure if I'm more scared or excited to be quite honest. Graduate school sounds so intimidating, but then again I felt the same way about freshman year.
I only have good thoughts, wishes, desires, and hopes for the next portion of my life and everything that comes along with it. I'm really interested to see what happens and I only hope I can learn and grow more.
Tying back to previous entries, I still feel like I am in a stand still...and I think I have figured it out...
A lot of things in my life are undetermined or have not yet revealed or completed themselves. I have not begun to move forward yet because I am not yet in a position to...which kind of sucks, but the anticipation is definitely nice.
I only want good things for myself, especially since this year hasn't started off so great for me.
With the band thing falling apart and me feeling in an awkward place in my life, I'm not really sure which direction to go towards anymore. Part of me feels as if something drastic is going to happen, which is exciting yet scary, but I hope something happens before I lose it!
Friday, February 20, 2009
We shall survive, let us take ourselves along!
Well, I'm not really sure how to say this...but I think the battle is lost.
I haven't heard anything from the guys regarding me playing or being added to the EP...
I haven't gone to the last 2 practices because I've been trying to get the EP into a more solid state, which I have! I rewrote some parts in two of the songs and they sound WAY better and more energetic....and just fucking epic!
So...I was thinking today about possibly going to practice tomorrow, to hang out, see everybody, because I miss them all. I noticed there was a post about them going back into the studio...so, me thinking that maybe they'd want me to play, I text the leader...
And come to find out that it's not necessary for me to come down, but thanks anyways.
...............................I'm not sure what to think.
I asked if they were mad at me, but was told they're not...which just confuses me even more.
I mean, yeah I haven't gone to the practices the past two times, but do they blame me? I've had no reason to according to them and I would probably work out better with things if I practiced on my own anyways. So there....that's my opinion about things.
My roommate has an audition on Sunday...that should be interesting. I'm going with her just in case the people are odd..lol
I'm thinking about looking for another band to join or even consider, but I'm not 100% sure of what I'm going to do yet. I mean, I still want to go my original route and work on music and get better at song writing like I have been...but especially after tonight, I'm not sure on how to approach things. I think I will definitely go by on Wednesday just to hang out, but that's about it.
I'm going to try to get a feel for how they are feeling regarding me as a person and a musician.
I mean the last time we talked, they told me flat out they liked me as a person and wanted me to think about what I wanted to do. I even told our lead guy that I wanted to talk to him and to let me know when he's free. He obviously doesn't care about it because he never got back to me.
That makes me kind of sad since there have been a lot of broken promises between him and I.
Promises to work on music together and make things sound better. I guess I wasn't important enough or worth spending time with...as I've noticed before with his "girlfriend" (who he broke up with I'm assuming considering his recent V-day pics....with his ex..haha don't even get me started on that shit) and considering what happened a couple Saturday's ago at the show.
I can't help feel irritated by this whole thing, but part of me isn't at the same time. The reason I say this is because I feel more at ease with less pressure on me. I mean, I've honestly only had about 2 months to really work on stuff...I thought about it.
I took winter session..and that took up a huge part of my break that I didn't even notice other things going on around me.
For instance, I missed the deadline for graduate school. So now, I'll have a semester off and will work on applying then...
This is going to be weird since I've been going to school every semester since I was a little kid. It'll be weird to not be doing anything during this time.
A lot of my friends think it's great because I'll be done with my B.A. and have time off...but I like being busy, I like learning.
Speaking of which, I just registered for my last classes for summer session...the GOOD news is that they're all online! (THANK GOD). I honestly don't think I could ever do a summer/winter in session class. Good LORD....that was almost a mistake...but it'll be worth it in the end when I walk in May. :-)
Nonetheless, it'll be weird to not have any classes next semester....my friend Steven and I were talking about Oktoberfest...and as AWESOME as it sounds..I don't know if I'd do it.
The biggest part is money (obviously). I mean, I do have the time, but money is the biggest thing. The next is flying by myself. The stops were awesome though....GA (which I've been before haha) and PARIS.....wow...For like, 4.5 hours... I mean shit it's Paris!
It's really too soon to tell what I'll be doing then anyways, so we'll see what happens.
For right now, I'm just trying to get through this semester and get shit sorted out with, well, pretty much everything.
My life is pretty much in a lull right now. I'm still WAITING for my braces to come off...they should be off the 24th, if not, shit is going down in the orthodontist's office...no joke.
School is good though. I'm doing really well actually and I think I've tapped into my "I really like to learn/I want to be a smarter person" phase of college. Too bad it's NOW and wasn't 2 years ago...yaaay parties.
Regardless, I've found myself thinking pretty much everyday about the last 4 years of my life.
They've been great full of good/bad/awesome/sad memories. I've experienced a lot, met a lot of great people who I still talk to today and yet, as cliche as it sounds, I feel like my life is just starting. I'm not afraid of the corporate world, but that's mainly because I'm going to continue my education.....when I get around to applying for graduate school next semester..haha
I'm also considering a change in career too. I think I'd really like to get back into working for a radio station again....definitely not the Edge though.........that was almost a mistake. I say this because I did get a lot of good experience, but some of those experiences were just, wrong.
I'm not sure what I'd like to do per say, but I'm sure I could find something again...especially since I have experience in the field roughly.
I finished Angels & Demons........such a good book! I was really impressed with Dan Brown and how he wrote it...I'll admit, I've stayed up waaaaay past my bedtime to try to find out what happens..and it was probably one of the best books I've read in my entire life. I highly recommend it.
And...my throat hurts.....ow >.<
I haven't heard anything from the guys regarding me playing or being added to the EP...
I haven't gone to the last 2 practices because I've been trying to get the EP into a more solid state, which I have! I rewrote some parts in two of the songs and they sound WAY better and more energetic....and just fucking epic!
So...I was thinking today about possibly going to practice tomorrow, to hang out, see everybody, because I miss them all. I noticed there was a post about them going back into the studio...so, me thinking that maybe they'd want me to play, I text the leader...
And come to find out that it's not necessary for me to come down, but thanks anyways.
...............................I'm not sure what to think.
I asked if they were mad at me, but was told they're not...which just confuses me even more.
I mean, yeah I haven't gone to the practices the past two times, but do they blame me? I've had no reason to according to them and I would probably work out better with things if I practiced on my own anyways. So there....that's my opinion about things.
My roommate has an audition on Sunday...that should be interesting. I'm going with her just in case the people are odd..lol
I'm thinking about looking for another band to join or even consider, but I'm not 100% sure of what I'm going to do yet. I mean, I still want to go my original route and work on music and get better at song writing like I have been...but especially after tonight, I'm not sure on how to approach things. I think I will definitely go by on Wednesday just to hang out, but that's about it.
I'm going to try to get a feel for how they are feeling regarding me as a person and a musician.
I mean the last time we talked, they told me flat out they liked me as a person and wanted me to think about what I wanted to do. I even told our lead guy that I wanted to talk to him and to let me know when he's free. He obviously doesn't care about it because he never got back to me.
That makes me kind of sad since there have been a lot of broken promises between him and I.
Promises to work on music together and make things sound better. I guess I wasn't important enough or worth spending time with...as I've noticed before with his "girlfriend" (who he broke up with I'm assuming considering his recent V-day pics....with his ex..haha don't even get me started on that shit) and considering what happened a couple Saturday's ago at the show.
I can't help feel irritated by this whole thing, but part of me isn't at the same time. The reason I say this is because I feel more at ease with less pressure on me. I mean, I've honestly only had about 2 months to really work on stuff...I thought about it.
I took winter session..and that took up a huge part of my break that I didn't even notice other things going on around me.
For instance, I missed the deadline for graduate school. So now, I'll have a semester off and will work on applying then...
This is going to be weird since I've been going to school every semester since I was a little kid. It'll be weird to not be doing anything during this time.
A lot of my friends think it's great because I'll be done with my B.A. and have time off...but I like being busy, I like learning.
Speaking of which, I just registered for my last classes for summer session...the GOOD news is that they're all online! (THANK GOD). I honestly don't think I could ever do a summer/winter in session class. Good LORD....that was almost a mistake...but it'll be worth it in the end when I walk in May. :-)
Nonetheless, it'll be weird to not have any classes next semester....my friend Steven and I were talking about Oktoberfest...and as AWESOME as it sounds..I don't know if I'd do it.
The biggest part is money (obviously). I mean, I do have the time, but money is the biggest thing. The next is flying by myself. The stops were awesome though....GA (which I've been before haha) and PARIS.....wow...For like, 4.5 hours... I mean shit it's Paris!
It's really too soon to tell what I'll be doing then anyways, so we'll see what happens.
For right now, I'm just trying to get through this semester and get shit sorted out with, well, pretty much everything.
My life is pretty much in a lull right now. I'm still WAITING for my braces to come off...they should be off the 24th, if not, shit is going down in the orthodontist's office...no joke.
School is good though. I'm doing really well actually and I think I've tapped into my "I really like to learn/I want to be a smarter person" phase of college. Too bad it's NOW and wasn't 2 years ago...yaaay parties.
Regardless, I've found myself thinking pretty much everyday about the last 4 years of my life.
They've been great full of good/bad/awesome/sad memories. I've experienced a lot, met a lot of great people who I still talk to today and yet, as cliche as it sounds, I feel like my life is just starting. I'm not afraid of the corporate world, but that's mainly because I'm going to continue my education.....when I get around to applying for graduate school next semester..haha
I'm also considering a change in career too. I think I'd really like to get back into working for a radio station again....definitely not the Edge though.........that was almost a mistake. I say this because I did get a lot of good experience, but some of those experiences were just, wrong.
I'm not sure what I'd like to do per say, but I'm sure I could find something again...especially since I have experience in the field roughly.
I finished Angels & Demons........such a good book! I was really impressed with Dan Brown and how he wrote it...I'll admit, I've stayed up waaaaay past my bedtime to try to find out what happens..and it was probably one of the best books I've read in my entire life. I highly recommend it.
And...my throat hurts.....ow >.<
Friday, February 13, 2009
'Charlie Brown runs to kick football, but Lucy pulls it away'
Well, a lot has happened since Saturday's fiasco...and frankly it hasn't gotten any better..it got worse.
Let's see....where do I begin.
Good news first...
My sister made up with my parents finally. That was something that I thought would take longer than normal but it worked out quite nicely. They got her an apartment and everything, which she moved into today. I'm really glad things finally worked out, but my siblings have yet to officially accept her being back in their lives. My brother is still really mad and who can blame him, he's young, he doesn't fully understand the circumstances.
We hung out on Sunday night which was nice considering I haven't seen her in like, 2-3 months. We saw a movie, talked about life. She looks good, smokes (ugh) but seems to be doing quite well, especially since she's off her medication.
I talked to her about the band and she seems pretty upset like I am, but at the same time thinks I should fight for my position and try to do what I want to.
Speaking of which...more stuff happened.
I hate to say it, but after Saturday I just had a feeling that things were not going to get any better with the band...and sadly, I was right.
They, and I mean "they" very loosely considering it was only one person doing the talking...
"They" told me that it is a general consensus that a violin should not be in every song and that I will get credentials for putting my work into the band, but I won't be an official member of it at all...............I was crushed.
I've put a lot of work into this for the past 2-3 months, but I honestly don't think I'm 100% there yet.
First of all, I have never written my own stuff and trying to figure out how to do that in 2-3 months is hard. It's really hard, especially since I've always just played what was in front of me. I never had the nerve to try to compose anything...and actually, now that I think about it, I did, and it sucked..majorly.
On top of that, I've been told that my "learning curve" hasn't gotten better. I say it this way because I honestly don't think I have a problem with my learning curve, and with something like this it's pretty nonexistent. The only thing I'm really having a problem with is actually writing my own stuff. Like I said, for me it's hard. I'm not a great writer, I suck, mainly because I'm not given enough time to really try to write.
I've been thinking about this since Wednesday when they talked to me, and here's what I've figured out....
1. I went to school year round this year....which, especially in winter SUCKED ASS. I say this because for winter session, I went 5 days a week, got little to no sleep and worked roughly 25 hours a week. So all of that basically inhibited me from working on ANY music. I'll admit, as sad as it is, that I didn't get a chance to work on anything because I was swamped from my class. It was a lame class, but I needed to take it..and I did, and sadly I think it may have cost me a month's work for music.
2. Like I said before, I SUCK at writing. I am not that great at it, but honestly, I think if I am given more time that is not so time constricting/full of constant pressure, I would be fine. I honestly think I would be....I wouldn't be so freaked out/feeling like I was on a deadline that could make or break me....but considering how things are right now, I guess it's broken me.
3. For quite a while, I haven't really felt apart of this band. If anything, I don't think this band has been acting as a "whole" until we got a new vocalist, and when that happened, I was pretty much kicked out...shoved away in the back corner. Take for instance Saturday, when I was ignored the entire time by everybody who I considered to be a friend. Yes, I got an apology, but honestly, WTF? Where do they get off treating me like that? I've put a lot of effort into this band and to feel like I was apart of something one minute and then not the next just bothers me immensely. I'm also seeing this in another way of helping each other out. I told the guys I haven't felt like I was getting much help in the band either. I told then I felt lost and stuck and unsure about what to do. First they tell me they have no problem writing my parts, then the next they complain about it. A band is about helping each other out when they're stuck and being there with them through thick and thin...and honestly, I feel like they haven't done any of that. Sure they've encouraged me and told me that they want me to be in the band and work really hard, and sure that's nice, but all I've heard from our 'leader' is "Oh, we should get together so we can work on stuff".....and that never happened. Ever.
It did at first, but oh right, this was during the "I think you're cool and mysterious and really want to bang you because I'm a giant tool" phase. Now I'm just leftovers, yeah I get it.
But yeah, that's basically how I'm feeling about the whole situation with the band. I think they're a great group of guys, but honestly, I don't have any music experience by simply picking it up by ear or even just writing my own stuff. I'm having a hard time with this and I feel like I'm not getting any understanding sent my way.
Here's the best way to break it down...our 'leader' gets the parts first and gets them all down to the point of where he and his 'partner' sit down and get the parts finalized for them. Then they bring it to practice and make us all look like idiots by telling us we suck because we don't get the time like they do to work on music like they do, by collaborating on it together. I've never had that luxury because I've always been sitting in my room, in my chair, on iTunes playing the song over and over again trying to learn it...and honestly from what I've come up with so far, that's pretty good, at least to me.
There are so many things wrong with this band and it pisses me off because nothing is equal or fair for anybody involved in it, mainly me. Our female vocalist even gets off easy because for right now, she's singing stuff that is basically already written for her...for me, I had to figure out my notes and passages to play, and yes, while I did get help, I have to play them on an instrument that takes a lot of skill to play. It's hard and I've tried pretty damn hard.
Well, that concludes the band stuff...that was probably the biggest part that was upsetting me the most considering it's probably something that I won't have in my life anymore. It's been a big part of me for the past couple of months and it's hard to let it go...it really is. I changed my work schedule so I could go to it and I've loved playing again..it's been an awesome feeling.
I'm not really sure what to do now...now, they want me to just be a 'guest artist' on certain songs, but not all of them..which I think is lame. They feel that a violin should not be on every song, but I think they're wrong.....I think it could work, I just need to become a bit more creative with writing and figuring out parts. I know I can do it if I was given adequate time, but a big part of me needs to prove it to them.
I have been practicing, but as far as the writing process goes, I've been getting stuck whenver I go back to trying to do it again. I think I'm scared to get shot down or mess up or write something that sounds shitty just because they basically tell me it's like that whenever I bring something new in.
I still really need to talk to him about it and get all of this out to him so he can understand and see my position. It really doesn't seem like he's had a lot of heartbreak or 'real' experiences in his life to where he can understand where I'm coming from. I need to make him understand and maybe things will change. Who knows....
Anyways..........moving on...
Kitty has been pissing me off lately..and I try to say this with no pun intended..but...
She peed on my bagles/English muffins....yeah, that was not pleasant to find out..
And no, I did not eat one and find out..they were soaked in urine...ugh
So that was gross...
Also...I've been getting into bed more to do homework since it's more comfortable, and over the past couple of days, I've noticed a slight litter box smell in my room..and I thought maybe it's because the box hasn't been changed in a while, so I haven't really made it into a huge deal to really look for the smell.
Well, one morning I woke up and made my bed...and noticed that I had pee stains on both of my pillows.
Yeah, I was about ready to kill the cat. Still am mad.
I don't get it..needless to say, I've started closing my door when I leave. I don't need anymore surprises when I come home.
Found out something cool.......my Gender & Communication teacher used to be a woman....yay gender reassignment surgery!
Oh and my roommate showed me prosthetic penises....look at these things!:
http://www.tyron2.net/9.html
They're freaking AWESOME...and so real looking...all you need is some glue. :)
School is going well....surprisingly. Both my roommate and I have gotten better with doing our readings..yay
Oh, some asshole ate my macaroni at work ....not cool. It's been happening to other people and frankly it's starting to piss us ALL off....argh
Work was weird today...my retail manager actually expressed how pissed she was at her job and just how done she is with it. I can relate in the way of my social life.
Right now, I am pretty fed up with how things are.
I say this for the reason that the band is falling apart for me, my friends who I considered to be friends are not really acknowledging me...
For instance tonight, there was a party, I wasn't told. I mean wtf, lame.
Here I am at home watching 'How I Met Your Mother' all night....on a FRIDAY.
I mean yeah, I do have work the next morning, but it would have been nice to go out I guess.
My bff joined a sorority, which kind of makes me have an urge to do the same.
I mean, honestly, it would be cool to meet some new people and do a new thing. I've started thinking back over my college years and thought about what I've done and all I've pretty much done is party, school, party, work, work, work, school, SCHOOL, school, band, work, work....
I've also found myself staying in, not really doing much..it's kind of lame. I need to try to put myself out there more or SOMETHING...I'm so sick of feeling this way.
I'm also starting to think that maybe I'm outgrowing all these people I considered to be my friends over the past 4 years. A part of me is starting to wonder if I'll make new friends and if it'll actually mean something to call them a friend as they would call me one.
It feels like everything is drifting away, and right now things don't feel so great.
My Charlie Brown luck has been really kicking in over this past week....I'm not sure how to deal with it.
I took my night to cry and get all my feelings out, but I feel like there's more inside that is still trapped under the surface....
I've been trying really hard to be optimistic and try to look on the brighter side of things...but it's hard to stop doing the things you were so used to doing for a long time...especially when they get taken away from you.
I feel alone. I feel like I went to take that big kick to the football and it was taken away from me and I missed and fell flat on my back...and now I'm lying here, wondering how to go about this.
Should I just lie there? Get up? Cry?......
I don't even feel like people are standing over me to see if I'm okay or offer a hand to help me up...and yet here I lie with the feeling of having the wind knocked out of me.
I need some air....and less lonely feelings.
Let's see....where do I begin.
Good news first...
My sister made up with my parents finally. That was something that I thought would take longer than normal but it worked out quite nicely. They got her an apartment and everything, which she moved into today. I'm really glad things finally worked out, but my siblings have yet to officially accept her being back in their lives. My brother is still really mad and who can blame him, he's young, he doesn't fully understand the circumstances.
We hung out on Sunday night which was nice considering I haven't seen her in like, 2-3 months. We saw a movie, talked about life. She looks good, smokes (ugh) but seems to be doing quite well, especially since she's off her medication.
I talked to her about the band and she seems pretty upset like I am, but at the same time thinks I should fight for my position and try to do what I want to.
Speaking of which...more stuff happened.
I hate to say it, but after Saturday I just had a feeling that things were not going to get any better with the band...and sadly, I was right.
They, and I mean "they" very loosely considering it was only one person doing the talking...
"They" told me that it is a general consensus that a violin should not be in every song and that I will get credentials for putting my work into the band, but I won't be an official member of it at all...............I was crushed.
I've put a lot of work into this for the past 2-3 months, but I honestly don't think I'm 100% there yet.
First of all, I have never written my own stuff and trying to figure out how to do that in 2-3 months is hard. It's really hard, especially since I've always just played what was in front of me. I never had the nerve to try to compose anything...and actually, now that I think about it, I did, and it sucked..majorly.
On top of that, I've been told that my "learning curve" hasn't gotten better. I say it this way because I honestly don't think I have a problem with my learning curve, and with something like this it's pretty nonexistent. The only thing I'm really having a problem with is actually writing my own stuff. Like I said, for me it's hard. I'm not a great writer, I suck, mainly because I'm not given enough time to really try to write.
I've been thinking about this since Wednesday when they talked to me, and here's what I've figured out....
1. I went to school year round this year....which, especially in winter SUCKED ASS. I say this because for winter session, I went 5 days a week, got little to no sleep and worked roughly 25 hours a week. So all of that basically inhibited me from working on ANY music. I'll admit, as sad as it is, that I didn't get a chance to work on anything because I was swamped from my class. It was a lame class, but I needed to take it..and I did, and sadly I think it may have cost me a month's work for music.
2. Like I said before, I SUCK at writing. I am not that great at it, but honestly, I think if I am given more time that is not so time constricting/full of constant pressure, I would be fine. I honestly think I would be....I wouldn't be so freaked out/feeling like I was on a deadline that could make or break me....but considering how things are right now, I guess it's broken me.
3. For quite a while, I haven't really felt apart of this band. If anything, I don't think this band has been acting as a "whole" until we got a new vocalist, and when that happened, I was pretty much kicked out...shoved away in the back corner. Take for instance Saturday, when I was ignored the entire time by everybody who I considered to be a friend. Yes, I got an apology, but honestly, WTF? Where do they get off treating me like that? I've put a lot of effort into this band and to feel like I was apart of something one minute and then not the next just bothers me immensely. I'm also seeing this in another way of helping each other out. I told the guys I haven't felt like I was getting much help in the band either. I told then I felt lost and stuck and unsure about what to do. First they tell me they have no problem writing my parts, then the next they complain about it. A band is about helping each other out when they're stuck and being there with them through thick and thin...and honestly, I feel like they haven't done any of that. Sure they've encouraged me and told me that they want me to be in the band and work really hard, and sure that's nice, but all I've heard from our 'leader' is "Oh, we should get together so we can work on stuff".....and that never happened. Ever.
It did at first, but oh right, this was during the "I think you're cool and mysterious and really want to bang you because I'm a giant tool" phase. Now I'm just leftovers, yeah I get it.
But yeah, that's basically how I'm feeling about the whole situation with the band. I think they're a great group of guys, but honestly, I don't have any music experience by simply picking it up by ear or even just writing my own stuff. I'm having a hard time with this and I feel like I'm not getting any understanding sent my way.
Here's the best way to break it down...our 'leader' gets the parts first and gets them all down to the point of where he and his 'partner' sit down and get the parts finalized for them. Then they bring it to practice and make us all look like idiots by telling us we suck because we don't get the time like they do to work on music like they do, by collaborating on it together. I've never had that luxury because I've always been sitting in my room, in my chair, on iTunes playing the song over and over again trying to learn it...and honestly from what I've come up with so far, that's pretty good, at least to me.
There are so many things wrong with this band and it pisses me off because nothing is equal or fair for anybody involved in it, mainly me. Our female vocalist even gets off easy because for right now, she's singing stuff that is basically already written for her...for me, I had to figure out my notes and passages to play, and yes, while I did get help, I have to play them on an instrument that takes a lot of skill to play. It's hard and I've tried pretty damn hard.
Well, that concludes the band stuff...that was probably the biggest part that was upsetting me the most considering it's probably something that I won't have in my life anymore. It's been a big part of me for the past couple of months and it's hard to let it go...it really is. I changed my work schedule so I could go to it and I've loved playing again..it's been an awesome feeling.
I'm not really sure what to do now...now, they want me to just be a 'guest artist' on certain songs, but not all of them..which I think is lame. They feel that a violin should not be on every song, but I think they're wrong.....I think it could work, I just need to become a bit more creative with writing and figuring out parts. I know I can do it if I was given adequate time, but a big part of me needs to prove it to them.
I have been practicing, but as far as the writing process goes, I've been getting stuck whenver I go back to trying to do it again. I think I'm scared to get shot down or mess up or write something that sounds shitty just because they basically tell me it's like that whenever I bring something new in.
I still really need to talk to him about it and get all of this out to him so he can understand and see my position. It really doesn't seem like he's had a lot of heartbreak or 'real' experiences in his life to where he can understand where I'm coming from. I need to make him understand and maybe things will change. Who knows....
Anyways..........moving on...
Kitty has been pissing me off lately..and I try to say this with no pun intended..but...
She peed on my bagles/English muffins....yeah, that was not pleasant to find out..
And no, I did not eat one and find out..they were soaked in urine...ugh
So that was gross...
Also...I've been getting into bed more to do homework since it's more comfortable, and over the past couple of days, I've noticed a slight litter box smell in my room..and I thought maybe it's because the box hasn't been changed in a while, so I haven't really made it into a huge deal to really look for the smell.
Well, one morning I woke up and made my bed...and noticed that I had pee stains on both of my pillows.
Yeah, I was about ready to kill the cat. Still am mad.
I don't get it..needless to say, I've started closing my door when I leave. I don't need anymore surprises when I come home.
Found out something cool.......my Gender & Communication teacher used to be a woman....yay gender reassignment surgery!
Oh and my roommate showed me prosthetic penises....look at these things!:
http://www.tyron2.net/9.html
They're freaking AWESOME...and so real looking...all you need is some glue. :)
School is going well....surprisingly. Both my roommate and I have gotten better with doing our readings..yay
Oh, some asshole ate my macaroni at work ....not cool. It's been happening to other people and frankly it's starting to piss us ALL off....argh
Work was weird today...my retail manager actually expressed how pissed she was at her job and just how done she is with it. I can relate in the way of my social life.
Right now, I am pretty fed up with how things are.
I say this for the reason that the band is falling apart for me, my friends who I considered to be friends are not really acknowledging me...
For instance tonight, there was a party, I wasn't told. I mean wtf, lame.
Here I am at home watching 'How I Met Your Mother' all night....on a FRIDAY.
I mean yeah, I do have work the next morning, but it would have been nice to go out I guess.
My bff joined a sorority, which kind of makes me have an urge to do the same.
I mean, honestly, it would be cool to meet some new people and do a new thing. I've started thinking back over my college years and thought about what I've done and all I've pretty much done is party, school, party, work, work, work, school, SCHOOL, school, band, work, work....
I've also found myself staying in, not really doing much..it's kind of lame. I need to try to put myself out there more or SOMETHING...I'm so sick of feeling this way.
I'm also starting to think that maybe I'm outgrowing all these people I considered to be my friends over the past 4 years. A part of me is starting to wonder if I'll make new friends and if it'll actually mean something to call them a friend as they would call me one.
It feels like everything is drifting away, and right now things don't feel so great.
My Charlie Brown luck has been really kicking in over this past week....I'm not sure how to deal with it.
I took my night to cry and get all my feelings out, but I feel like there's more inside that is still trapped under the surface....
I've been trying really hard to be optimistic and try to look on the brighter side of things...but it's hard to stop doing the things you were so used to doing for a long time...especially when they get taken away from you.
I feel alone. I feel like I went to take that big kick to the football and it was taken away from me and I missed and fell flat on my back...and now I'm lying here, wondering how to go about this.
Should I just lie there? Get up? Cry?......
I don't even feel like people are standing over me to see if I'm okay or offer a hand to help me up...and yet here I lie with the feeling of having the wind knocked out of me.
I need some air....and less lonely feelings.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
"I'm fighting with your band"
Well...this weekend...was FAIL
I was sad...very sad...as I have not felt the entire time I have been in this band.
I've been putting off writing about this for the main reason that I wanted to get my thoughts together and be a lot calmer before I actually did anything or said anything.
To start, we finally found a female vocalist, which is awesome. She's pretty good and she has the right energy up on stage which is great.
Well, she came in on a Wed or Sat, I can't remember...but...anyways..Saturday rolls around and we have a show, and I had been hoping during the week that we'd be able to work on the last song that I needed to so I could actually play..................
Not
They went ahead and changed the line up and put the singer on so she could sing along with them.....while I got to stand out in the crowd.
It got worse.
Little things during that night made me want to cry. Little snide comments like "Oh that's too bad you're not playing" and "Let's take a band picture" and not include me....
Oh and they took her "band" picture like they have on the site.
The WHOLE night, I felt alienated, I felt useless....I felt like all the hard work I've put in over these past couple months have been worth nothing to them.
I tried to not let it get to me..I went outside, cried, got it out of my system....went back to get ready.
And of course, I was invisible. I felt like Anne Hathaway's character in The Princess Diaires when the guy sat on her lap.........because that's basically what happened to me AFTER the show....one of the fans was like, "Hey when did you get here? Where have you been?"...
Yeah...shitty.
So after I was all upset, bitched to my friends and went home, I thought about it. I thought about it really hard...and here's what I've figured out...
1. It takes a lot of skill to play an instrument. With vocals, it's about memorizing lyrics, hitting your notes or getting somewhat close and even then you can pretty much slide into it...and I pretty much play an entire song, so it requires a lot more work and time and it's not something that can be taken lightly or fucked around with.
2. I'm looking at this whole situation optimistically. I'm not going to be defeated by what happened, I am going to grow stronger. I am going to work harder, get my parts down and figure out what the hell to do with all those songs I've been avoiding and getting stuck on. I'm tired of sitting out in practice and not feeling caught up. I'm tired of getting my "passion" questioned and I'm tired of being cast aside. I am fucking important. I've worked too damn hard to let something as stupid as this affect me.
3. I know who is mainly responsible for this. It's him....it is his project..and pretty much "his show". We all know it and I think a lot of us are upset with the way he's been acting in regards to the band and us as people. I know it was his idea to put our female singer up on stage and he probably knows it upset me...but part of me thinks that nobody really noticed. That's why I'm not going to let it get to me. I know there are more shows in the future and I WILL be ready when the next show comes up. I have my costume, I have the desire, I have the ability to get it all down....I just need the time and energy, and I'll make sure I have it so I can get this shit done. I'm tired of his bullshit just as a lot of people are, and it really worries me that if this continues on, something will happen where it may affect the band, all because he couldn't keep his penis to himself or he got a big head with the band and made it to where it's all about him (which he pretty much does, but nobody really picks up on it or they don't want to go against the word of our 'leader').
This weekend definitely was a rude awakening and I was so upset that I couldn't even rock out with the band. Our guitarist's girlfriend seemed pretty pleased that our female singer was up there...and for some weird reason, I got the feeling that she was happy I wasn't up there....and I think this based on the idea that I've heard stories from my band mates that she thinks I shouldn't play every song. Yeah, we'll see about that. You try playing a hard fucking instrument.
I also thought about our old female vocalist and how she got upset when I was brought into the band and how she thought she was being "replaced" because I was backing up her singing parts...and it occurred to me that maybe she wasn't as crazy as the guys made her out to be. I mean if you think about it, the guys probably kind of did to her what they did to me in a way...made it out like we weren't included and that upset her and I. I don't think the guys realized they did this, but we'll see at our next practice. I don't think I'm going to bring it up anymore. I was thinking about confronting our 'leader'...but honestly, I don't think he needs to know just how big of a jackass he is.......just yet at least.
Karma has a way of working itself back around, and I think it's definitely his time to get some shit shoveled in his face.
I was sad...very sad...as I have not felt the entire time I have been in this band.
I've been putting off writing about this for the main reason that I wanted to get my thoughts together and be a lot calmer before I actually did anything or said anything.
To start, we finally found a female vocalist, which is awesome. She's pretty good and she has the right energy up on stage which is great.
Well, she came in on a Wed or Sat, I can't remember...but...anyways..Saturday rolls around and we have a show, and I had been hoping during the week that we'd be able to work on the last song that I needed to so I could actually play..................
Not
They went ahead and changed the line up and put the singer on so she could sing along with them.....while I got to stand out in the crowd.
It got worse.
Little things during that night made me want to cry. Little snide comments like "Oh that's too bad you're not playing" and "Let's take a band picture" and not include me....
Oh and they took her "band" picture like they have on the site.
The WHOLE night, I felt alienated, I felt useless....I felt like all the hard work I've put in over these past couple months have been worth nothing to them.
I tried to not let it get to me..I went outside, cried, got it out of my system....went back to get ready.
And of course, I was invisible. I felt like Anne Hathaway's character in The Princess Diaires when the guy sat on her lap.........because that's basically what happened to me AFTER the show....one of the fans was like, "Hey when did you get here? Where have you been?"...
Yeah...shitty.
So after I was all upset, bitched to my friends and went home, I thought about it. I thought about it really hard...and here's what I've figured out...
1. It takes a lot of skill to play an instrument. With vocals, it's about memorizing lyrics, hitting your notes or getting somewhat close and even then you can pretty much slide into it...and I pretty much play an entire song, so it requires a lot more work and time and it's not something that can be taken lightly or fucked around with.
2. I'm looking at this whole situation optimistically. I'm not going to be defeated by what happened, I am going to grow stronger. I am going to work harder, get my parts down and figure out what the hell to do with all those songs I've been avoiding and getting stuck on. I'm tired of sitting out in practice and not feeling caught up. I'm tired of getting my "passion" questioned and I'm tired of being cast aside. I am fucking important. I've worked too damn hard to let something as stupid as this affect me.
3. I know who is mainly responsible for this. It's him....it is his project..and pretty much "his show". We all know it and I think a lot of us are upset with the way he's been acting in regards to the band and us as people. I know it was his idea to put our female singer up on stage and he probably knows it upset me...but part of me thinks that nobody really noticed. That's why I'm not going to let it get to me. I know there are more shows in the future and I WILL be ready when the next show comes up. I have my costume, I have the desire, I have the ability to get it all down....I just need the time and energy, and I'll make sure I have it so I can get this shit done. I'm tired of his bullshit just as a lot of people are, and it really worries me that if this continues on, something will happen where it may affect the band, all because he couldn't keep his penis to himself or he got a big head with the band and made it to where it's all about him (which he pretty much does, but nobody really picks up on it or they don't want to go against the word of our 'leader').
This weekend definitely was a rude awakening and I was so upset that I couldn't even rock out with the band. Our guitarist's girlfriend seemed pretty pleased that our female singer was up there...and for some weird reason, I got the feeling that she was happy I wasn't up there....and I think this based on the idea that I've heard stories from my band mates that she thinks I shouldn't play every song. Yeah, we'll see about that. You try playing a hard fucking instrument.
I also thought about our old female vocalist and how she got upset when I was brought into the band and how she thought she was being "replaced" because I was backing up her singing parts...and it occurred to me that maybe she wasn't as crazy as the guys made her out to be. I mean if you think about it, the guys probably kind of did to her what they did to me in a way...made it out like we weren't included and that upset her and I. I don't think the guys realized they did this, but we'll see at our next practice. I don't think I'm going to bring it up anymore. I was thinking about confronting our 'leader'...but honestly, I don't think he needs to know just how big of a jackass he is.......just yet at least.
Karma has a way of working itself back around, and I think it's definitely his time to get some shit shoveled in his face.
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