"I'm fighting with your band"

Well...this weekend...was FAIL

I was sad...very sad...as I have not felt the entire time I have been in this band.

I've been putting off writing about this for the main reason that I wanted to get my thoughts together and be a lot calmer before I actually did anything or said anything.

To start, we finally found a female vocalist, which is awesome. She's pretty good and she has the right energy up on stage which is great.

Well, she came in on a Wed or Sat, I can't remember...but...anyways..Saturday rolls around and we have a show, and I had been hoping during the week that we'd be able to work on the last song that I needed to so I could actually play..................

Not

They went ahead and changed the line up and put the singer on so she could sing along with them.....while I got to stand out in the crowd.

It got worse.

Little things during that night made me want to cry. Little snide comments like "Oh that's too bad you're not playing" and "Let's take a band picture" and not include me....

Oh and they took her "band" picture like they have on the site.

The WHOLE night, I felt alienated, I felt useless....I felt like all the hard work I've put in over these past couple months have been worth nothing to them.

I tried to not let it get to me..I went outside, cried, got it out of my system....went back to get ready.

And of course, I was invisible. I felt like Anne Hathaway's character in The Princess Diaires when the guy sat on her lap.........because that's basically what happened to me AFTER the show....one of the fans was like, "Hey when did you get here? Where have you been?"...

Yeah...shitty.

So after I was all upset, bitched to my friends and went home, I thought about it. I thought about it really hard...and here's what I've figured out...

1. It takes a lot of skill to play an instrument. With vocals, it's about memorizing lyrics, hitting your notes or getting somewhat close and even then you can pretty much slide into it...and I pretty much play an entire song, so it requires a lot more work and time and it's not something that can be taken lightly or fucked around with.

2. I'm looking at this whole situation optimistically. I'm not going to be defeated by what happened, I am going to grow stronger. I am going to work harder, get my parts down and figure out what the hell to do with all those songs I've been avoiding and getting stuck on. I'm tired of sitting out in practice and not feeling caught up. I'm tired of getting my "passion" questioned and I'm tired of being cast aside. I am fucking important. I've worked too damn hard to let something as stupid as this affect me.

3. I know who is mainly responsible for this. It's him....it is his project..and pretty much "his show". We all know it and I think a lot of us are upset with the way he's been acting in regards to the band and us as people. I know it was his idea to put our female singer up on stage and he probably knows it upset me...but part of me thinks that nobody really noticed. That's why I'm not going to let it get to me. I know there are more shows in the future and I WILL be ready when the next show comes up. I have my costume, I have the desire, I have the ability to get it all down....I just need the time and energy, and I'll make sure I have it so I can get this shit done. I'm tired of his bullshit just as a lot of people are, and it really worries me that if this continues on, something will happen where it may affect the band, all because he couldn't keep his penis to himself or he got a big head with the band and made it to where it's all about him (which he pretty much does, but nobody really picks up on it or they don't want to go against the word of our 'leader').

This weekend definitely was a rude awakening and I was so upset that I couldn't even rock out with the band. Our guitarist's girlfriend seemed pretty pleased that our female singer was up there...and for some weird reason, I got the feeling that she was happy I wasn't up there....and I think this based on the idea that I've heard stories from my band mates that she thinks I shouldn't play every song. Yeah, we'll see about that. You try playing a hard fucking instrument.

I also thought about our old female vocalist and how she got upset when I was brought into the band and how she thought she was being "replaced" because I was backing up her singing parts...and it occurred to me that maybe she wasn't as crazy as the guys made her out to be. I mean if you think about it, the guys probably kind of did to her what they did to me in a way...made it out like we weren't included and that upset her and I. I don't think the guys realized they did this, but we'll see at our next practice. I don't think I'm going to bring it up anymore. I was thinking about confronting our 'leader'...but honestly, I don't think he needs to know just how big of a jackass he is.......just yet at least.

Karma has a way of working itself back around, and I think it's definitely his time to get some shit shoveled in his face.